


Heaven And Hell Start With The Same Letter

by lumovr



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Anorexia, Depression, Insomnia, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 14:37:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 28,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4308951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumovr/pseuds/lumovr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After certain events that lead Frank in the hospital, he thinks he's never, ever going to be happy ever again. He knew this long ago, but his naive self thought that maybe he'd have just one more shot, that maybe God would give him mercy, but he was wrong. <br/>Everyone said it was for his own good, but Frank knew it was because everyone had given up on him, especially his mother, the one who sent him there after his failed suicide attempt. <br/>But when he meets another boy at the hospital, who's given him another shot at love and happiness, he thinks he might actually make it. </p><p>Frerard AU. Frank Iero. Gerard Way. My Chemical Romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

After years of torment, Frank was finally done. He'd been beaten down, spat on, and broken so many times, no tape or glue could ever fix him. So he did what anyone in his position would do, he listened to himself, and he swallowed the pills. Some would say it was because of the voices, but no one knows anymore, not even Frank himself.

However, things didn't go the way he planned. After his failed suicide attempt, everyone had, had enough.

And by everyone, it meant his mother.

Frank knew that his mother was sick of baby sitting him. She was sick of having to pay people to watch over him all the time, and pay for medication. He couldn't help it though. He of all people wished he didn't have the stupid voices. He wished he could be normal, live a normal life, but that idea would never be possible.

See, when Frank was born, everyone knew there was something off about him. He never paid attention when people would talk to him, and it was like there was always something else he would focus on. He never got along with anyone, because talking to people scared him. Well actually, people in general scared him. So he never socialized with people. However, one person could always get Frank to talk, and that was his brother, Tom. They were best friends.

Tom was the opposite of Frank. He wasn't popular, but he had a way with words, and talking. No matter who you were, or what you thought of when you first met Tom, you will soon fall in love with him after having a conversation.

Tom understood his brother, he was the only one who did. And Frank understood Tom too, he was the only one who knew about him, and his problem.

Tom hated life. He hated everything, and everyone, and even himself. He wanted to die, and he finally got his wish.

Frank walked home alone that day because Tom said he had a head ache, and so mother had let him stay home. But little did Frank, or anyone else know.

Frank returned to a quiet house, and when he walked into their room, that was when his world had stopped. Everything right then and there shattered, and fell to the floor in broken pieces.

That was when the voices started.

There wasn't much at first. It was just constant paranoia, but it soon got worse. He wouldn't sleep for days because of the nightmares he would have.

The nightmares were almost always the same. Frank would be walking in a meadow, and it was a beautiful one too. There were flowers, and the sun would be shining. But the sky would soon turn gray, and the clouds would cover the sun, and the flowers would wilt and die, and lying on the ground in front of him was Tom. He would bend down and try to touch him, but each time he did, the distance between him and the body would grow wider and wider, until he couldn't see the body anymore, and the meadow disappeared, and he was back in his room, the image of Tom, hanging from a rope attached to the ceiling, in front of him. He would try to leave the room, but the doors would be locked, so he would have to sit in that room, trapped with his dead brother for days, months, years.

He hated this nightmares even worse then the voices.

The voices. They weren't always constantly there. He could be perfectly normal for one second, but have a fit the next. The voices attacked whenever they wanted to. They would tell him that he could've done more, should've done more to save his brother. "If only you would have told somebody.", they would say to him.

And so Frank had it. He went to his mothers room and grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills, swallowing all of them. There must have been at least twenty five of them. He had to be at the hospital for a few days before he got sent to the mental facility, but they all knew it was coming, even in Franks hazy state, he knew. He knew that this was basically his mothers way of saying, "Goodbye, and I hope we never have to meet again."

Frank was suicidal, the charts said. Frank was a schizophrenic. Frank was crazy. Frank was moving in to the psych ward across the country.


	2. Chapter 2

It was written in blue, and it was slightly smudged and wrinkled. I smooth it out against my leg. I grab the chain I was wearing around my neck, and open the little locket. I smile gently at the fading picture of Tom and me, arms around each other's shoulder. I close it and return my gaze back to the letter. I hadn't looked at for years. I felt tears welling in my eyes as they scan over the words written down by shaking hands.

"Frank Iero?", the nurse says.

My head snaps up, "Yes?"

She smiles and points down the hall, "This way to your room."

I sigh, and pick up my duffle bug that was on the ground. I jog over to the nurse, and we soon start our walk down the long, tiled hall.

I look up at the ceiling and see fake pictures of tress and animals, and clouds. It's probably supposed to help us "calm down".

"You're sharing a room with Gerard. He's a great kid, but a little hard to talk to. Just give him time, and he'll warm up to you.", she says, stopping in front of a wooden door.

We quietly step inside because it was currently three in the morning, and Gerard was asleep. The nurse pats my shoulder and then shuts the door, leaving me in the dark. I walk over to the empty bed and the table next it that had a small lamp on it, switching it on quietly. Gerard shuffles a little, but not much.

I set my bag down and take off my jacket, setting it down on top of the duffel bag. I'll put away everything later, I'm too tired right now. I lift up the blanket and slowly crawl inside.  
*

-If you listened to me, you wouldn't be here right now. You should have followed in the footsteps of your brother. Then you would finally be able to see him again.   
wanted you dead. It's your fault he's dead too. Look at what you've done.-

"Please, it wasn't my fault! I didn't know! I didn't know!", I scream, trying to get the voices to leave.

I feel hands on my shoulders. Please! Please! I'm sorry. I should've done something! Just leave me alone!

"Frank! Frank.", I hear a nurse shouting, but it's muffled, and I can't tell where it's coming from.

-You stupid worthless trash. Listen to me, she's not here to help you. Hit her, push her away! Or else they'll hurt you!-

I thrash out, doing anything I can to prevent the voices to come any closer to me. I punch and kick, swinging at nothing, and then something. Someone's hands are on tightly around my shoulder. I try to shake it off, but it's so strong.

"Hey, hey, it's ok. Listen to me, listen to my voice.", comes softly.   
His hand goes through my hair, and I try pushing it away, but it's soothing, so I stop.

-No! Don't listen to him, he's going to -

"It's ok. It's not real, I am.", comes again, but it's not the voices anymore.

Everything starts coming into focus again. I cling on to reality, or in this case, a boy. He smiles gently at me, and stands up, pulling me up with him.

My hands are shaking, and so is the rest of my body. I look around and see three nurses, one girl, and two guys. They're all staring at me like I'm crazy. Well, I guess I am crazy. But it's more like they're surprised.

"H-how did you do that Gerard? I can't believe you calmed down a schizo.", one of the guys say.

I feel a little stab in my heart. I hate that word, "schizo". It's as if the only defining characteristic about me is this disorder, like I'm literally nothing but this 'thing', not even a human being who has a name.

"Hey, don't call him that.", the boy says.

I'm guessing he's my roommate, Gerard.

The nurse clears his throat, and he ushers the other nurses, and a few patients that have gathered around, away from our room. When they're finally gone, I let out a sigh, and fall to the ground, crying my eyes out. It's only my first day here, and I already hate it. Even though I hate her for taking me here, I absolutely missed my mom and the comfort she brought along.

"Hey, why are you crying?", he asks.

I look up at this unknown boy and hesitate before saying, "I hate being like this, and I just miss home."

He puts a hand on my shoulder, "I get it. The first nights are always the hardest."

I look towards the window. It's covered, but you could faintly see the edges of the outside world, and it was still dark.

"Sorry for waking you up."

"It's not like I sleep anyways."

I look at him.

"I have insomnia. They give me pills, but they never work unless I take like three or four, and they're obviously not going to do that."

"What time is it anyways?"

"Like five, so it's not that bad, but you should go back to sleep."

"I-I can't."

"Why not? I'm sure you're tired. I was on my first night, and you got here so late....or I guess early..."

"I just, I'm, ugh, too scared. The voices, the nightmares...I can never sleep after an episode.", I say shyly.

We stay silent for a few minutes.

"Do you wanna just talk then?"

I think for a minute. His voice is so soothing, and the company is comforting. I honestly haven't really had a conversation with anyone since Tom passed away.

I nod.

"Why are you here?", I ask, "I mean, you don't have to tell me, but um..."

"It's fine. I'm here cause I tried to kill myself...three times. And I was really only supposed to stay here for a week, but my parents told them about my other problems. I have insomnia, ptsd, anxiety, anorexia, and bi polar disorder, although the last one isn't that strong, so they made me stay longer. Even then, I was only supposed to stay for, the most, about a month, but then my parents told them I wasn't stable, and that I was trying to kill myself again, so they sent me to long term."

"Well, were you?"

"What? Going to kill myself? No, they just didn't want to have to look after me, and my 'diseases'. Besides, after my mom found out about what my dad did, she couldn't bare to have me around. You would think it'd be the other way around. You'd think she couldn't bare to have him around, but no, she loves him too much."

"What did he...do?"

He sighs, "Um. What are you in here for."

I clear my throat, feeling the tension from my previous question.

I chuckle a little, "What do you think?"

"I'm guessing whatever that was?", he says, referring to earlier.

"Well, I'm not here directly because of that. It's a little complicated. I've always been introverted, it's basically impossible for me to tal-"

I stop talking. A look of confusion crosses his face.

I never talk to people I don't know, and if I do, they're small, one word replies. I don't even know Gerard, and yet he's gotten me to say so much, not to mention the fact that he pulled me out of one of my episodes.

"What's wrong?", he asks.

"Nothing, it's just, um, I never talk to people I don't know, this is a first."

He smiles, I do too.

"Uh, like I was saying, I never talked much. The only person I did talk to was my brother, Tom. But he passed away a few years ago. He...he killed himself, and, and that's when this started to happen. But the reason why I was at the hospital was because I tried to...kill myself too. I'm staying long term because my mom doesn't want to take care of me anymore either. They say I can leave when I'm better, but it's not like this is curable. I'm pretty sure I'm stuck here for the rest of my life."

I realized that in the plane on the flight here. It's not rocket science, they're not going to release a mentally unstable person into the world that can have an episode any moment and go on a "killing spree".

"How long have you been here?", I ask.

"Almost a year. It's my eleventh month."

"Really? For being depressed?"

"Well I haven't really gotten better. They don't do much here, they just watch you, and give you the medication you need in order to not go mental, but they don't do anything to actually help. We have group but it's only to talk about our feelings, and it's only thirty minutes long, once every day."

He stands up.

"What are you doing?"

"Breakfast is at seven. It's already seven ten.", he says, reaching out a hand.

I didn't realize we were taking for that long. I grab his hand, and stand up. He sends me a smile and we head out for breakfast.


	3. Chapter 3

Everyone's staring at me when I walk into the lunch room. Well technically, breakfast room right now. My body tenses, and my heart beat picks up. I hate it when people are staring at me.

"Hey, it's ok. Everyone's like this when someone new comes in. There's nothing wrong with you right now.", Gerard says, sending me a smile.

I smile back. He hands me a tray, and it's shaking slightly in my hands, but I try hard to ignore it, and I can tell Gerard is too.

"Thanks.", I say to the cook as he hands me a plate of eggs.

Gerard is sitting down at the table in the very back corner, and I'm not sure if I'm suppose to follow. Sure, we talked, but we're roommates, so we kinda have to, but I'm not sure it's the same when we're out of the room.

My thoughts soon get cut short when I see him waving his hands at me. I sigh in relief internally, glad that I don't have to fend for myself here.

It's a mental hospital, and everyone here has problems, but it still feels like I'm back in the lunch room at school. Everyone's eyes are on me as I walk to the table. Gerard's sitting there with nothing on his plate but a banana, and I remember him telling me about his eating disorder.

"I think he gave me too much eggs, do you want some?"

He laughs, "I'm not hungry."

"Don't you want to get better?"

"What's the point? If they see that I'm eating, and getting better, then they discharge me, and then I have to find a psychiatrist that will prescribe me the medication I need, and where is the money for that going to come from? Obviously not my parents, and it's not like I'm legal yet either. I stay here, I get the meds I need. I get food, I get a bed. I might as well stay here, at least until I turn eighteen."

He peels the banana, takes a bite and throws it into the trash can. From the corner of my eye, I can see one of the nurses looking at us, and writing down something on a clip board.

"Do they write down everything you do?", I ask.

"Just don't give them a reason to, and you'll be fine."

"Oh no, I'm just wondering. Unlike you, they're probably never going to discharge me. It doesn't matter what I do as long as I don't kill someone."

"That's not true. They can still discharge you, just probably not for a while. They have to make sure you're stable enough on your own, but that takes months, years of therapy, and you'll have to take medication for the rest of your life."

"Thanks, I really needed that pep talk today."

"Sorry. I didn't mean it like that, I just -"

"No, no I get it."

He sighs, but doesn't continue on.

-He thinks you're crazy. He thinks your incurable.-

"N-no he doesn't. Stop it."

-Why do you think he's saying that? He's just a mean jerk. He's a bully. You know what you should do to bullies? You should hurt them, because they hurt you.-

"No! He hasn't hurt me! I don't want to, please don't make me!"

-If you don't hurt him, I'll hurt you!-  
"Please! Just leave!"

-How can I leave when I'm in your head? He's right! You are crazy! You're a luney! A luney!-

I bang my head against the wall to get the voices out. I just want them gone! They're all in my head. I want them out now!   
"Please go. GO AWAY. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. IM NOT CRAZY!"  
I hear them laughing at me, mocking me. Please just leave!  
I keep banging my head until everything starts to get foggy. My eyes get droopy and I soon fall over on the ground, and I think I'm lying in a puddle of my own blood.


	4. Chapter 4

My heads pounding. I sit up, and I must have done it really fast because everything's spinning again.

I'm back in my room, and Gerard is in a chair right across from my bed. He smiles, and stands up, walking over to me.

"Is it ok if I sit down?"

I nod.

I lift up my hand to feel my head, and my fingers run over bandages.

"You hurt yourself really badly. I had to stay guard for about a few hours. I think you were out for about five. You feeling better?", he asks, sitting down at the foot of my bed.

I shrug.

He sighs, "Frank? W-what do these...voices...say, when you hear them?"

"They tell me to hurt people, or they tell me to hurt myself most of the time. Other times, they just laugh at me, or bring up memories I'd rather forget."

He leans over and puts his hand on my head, running it through my hair.

"Does it still hurt?"

"A little. What happened?"

He sighs, "Well, they were going to give you the shot, but you ended up hitting your head so hard you passed out. You still have to be careful for a few days."

"I hate this so much."

"I know."

I look up at him, and he opens his arm. I crawl into him, wrapping my arms around his thin body. Even though he's so small, he's still bigger and stronger than me, and he's definitely more comfortable.

He continues to run his hand through my hair and it feels so nice.

"You'll get better. It's just going to take time."  
*  
It's been a month, and my mom hasn't came to visit once like she said she was. I didn't even have high standards, and I was still let down. I know she doesn't care, but I thought that maybe she'd at least call, ask if I'm getting better.

I'm not, but for the first time in years, I wasn't having nightmares. Gerard and I both slept on the floor last night. We set up a little pillow fort and we talked for ages about nothing in particular, but it was nice.

Gerard and I are inseparable. Well it's more like I don't want to leave him because he's the only thing that keeps me calm here. He's the only one who can pull me out of an episode.

Ironically though, he's at his therapy session right now, so I'm alone in the day room. The tv's on, purely for white noise though, because no ones actually paying attention.   
A guy walks up to me, but doesn't say anything, he just stares at me.

"You're the kid with the dead brother right?"

My heart starts to race. I hate talking to strangers about Tom. I don't even know how I told Gerard about it.

"My friend knew him at school. He said he always looked depressed. He was a cutter too. He always wore long sleeves, but one day, my friend, Ray, he accidentally spilt soda on him, and he had to take off his jacket. I heard the cuts were so deep, he had stitches. Is that true?"

My throat closes, and I'm grasping for words. It was obvious. It always was. The way he never wore anything but long sleeves and jackets, the way he winced when I would grab his arm. How his shaver in the bathroom would just disappear. Things I noticed far too late. Things I should've notice then, when he was still alive.

Suddenly, I'm back in my room, the image of Tom when I found him in front of me. I   
try to leave, but the doors locked.

"Let me out! Please.", I scream.

I'm not hearing voices, because this is real. I'm the reason he's dead. If I would've had paid attention more, I would've have noticed the way there were dark circles under his eyes. I would've seen how he always had bloody tissues in the trash from "nose bleeds".

I'm having a panic attack. I try to calm my breathing, but nothing's working, I can't focus on anything.

"Frankie? Frank, I'm back!", I faintly here.

I pull at my hair. It's so painful. I can feel my lungs folding in on themselves, not allowing any air to flow through. I'm like a fish on dry land.

"Oh my god, Frank!"

I grasp at his voice, trying to catch every last bit of comfort, but I can't find him.

"I'm here, Frank, I'm here."

He pulls me into his lap, and he whispers soothing words into my ears. My eyes slowly open. And my death grip on my hair loosens a little more each time he says it'll be okay.

"Frankie? Are you ok now?", he says, tilting my head so that I can look him in the eye.

I stare at him.

"No.", I say, tears starting to fall again.

"It's ok. I'm here. Cry it out."

I hold onto his shirt, my tears staining the grey fabric, turning it a darker shade. His hold on me never loosens, and he rocks us back and forth until my tears stop falling.   
He kisses my forehead.

"It'll be ok. I love you, Frankie. I love you."


	5. Chapter 5

It's been a long time since anyone's said they loved me. I know he meant it in a friendly way, but I wish it was more.

I knew I was gay when I was fourteen. This kid in my class, Mikey, he was gorgeous. All the girls would drop to his feet with the slightest cough or raise of the eye. I had the smallest crush on him, but I ,of course, never confronted him about it. Ironically, the last I heard was that his dad sent him to church camp because he caught him with another guy.

"What are you thinking about?", Gerard says from across the room.

He's sitting on his bed, reading a book. Well, he was reading a book.

"Nothing, just...", I debate wether or not I should come out. But I decide against it, "about graduation."

It's not that I think he'll judge me, it's just, I don't want to be turned down. I'd be devastated.

"Oh. I think I'm dropping out when I get out of here."

"Oh?"

"I was in this band, before I came here, and the guys, they told me they'd wait, you know, until I got better, but then, then they sent me this demo of their new album. They found a new singer and everything. They even changed the name of the band.", he says, sitting up.

I can tell the tone of mockery in his voice. He's obviously mad, but I would be too.

He scoffs, "They're not even that good."

My hands are on my stomach, and tap in a steady beat against my skin.

"Why are you telling me this?"

He shrugs, "It's nice to talk about things that make you mad. It's been pent up inside me for a while. I've been looking for the right person to talk to since I got here, but not none of the other guys here like me, and the therapist doesn't care about what I say."

"But she's a therapist. That's her job, to listen, and care about what you say."

He rolls his eyes, "They don't care about anything but results. Which I guess is good, but to a certain degree. You think they really care about what I'm actually feeling? Sure, the first thing they ask you when you walk into the room is, 'How are you feeling?', but don't you ever realize that you have to make up an answer, or come up with something you think they want to hear? It's never the truth. Everything in there is so fake. You're either too scared to tell the truth, or you know you're not getting better, and the truth won't matter because you'll be dead before the therapist gets her results."

I stare at him. I've never seen him get worked up over something.

He breathes in heavily, "Sorry. I've just seen a lot of therapists. They're all exactly the same. I'm just sick of them."

I nod in reply.

"So what about you? Anything you want to say?", he asks.

Should I tell him? About my big secret? Would it even matter? It is a big part of me, so I guess I should say something.

"I really hope you're not homophobic.", I mutter out.

He looks puzzled for a second, but his eyes soon widen in realization.

"You mean you're...you're gay?"

I nod slowly. He stays quite for a few moments.

"Well obviously I don't care, it's just, you know...news."

I sit up and meet his eyes. He has such beautiful eyes. I could just fall into them. He catches me staring at him and he blushes a little. My heart beat picks up.

-Don't trust him, he's out to get you.-

I shake my head. Shut up.

"You okay?"

-You think he actually cares about you? He's faking it! He's going to hurt you...unless you hurt him back. GO ON!-

"No! No, you're lying to me. He wouldn't hurt me. Stop it."

-I'm your only friend here. I know what's best for you.-

I can here them laughing, and shouting, and screaming things in my ear that I can't decipher anymore. There's too many of them. All their laughs are jumbled up.

A black figure is standing in the corner, laughing at me, pointing at me, walking towards me.

"No! GET AWAY FROM ME. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME."

I back up, but my back soon hits the wall. It keeps coming closer, and I bury my head in my knees so I don't I have to see it anymore.

SOMEONE. I'M SO SCARED. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!

-Get away from him! He's trying to hurt you.-

I turn to see Gerard walking closer to me, his hands reaching out. I slap them away.

"No! You're going to hurt me!", I cry out.

I swing and kick in all different directions. More figures are coming into the room, but they're getting mixed up with the black figures, and I can't see through my watery eyes.

I claw at my skin, trying to wake myself up. They say that if you look at your fingers, if you have more then five, you're in a dream. I lift my hand up, and they're covered in blood. So much fucking blood.

I feel a pinch on my arm and I turn to see a black figure taking a syringe out of my skin. I thrash out, but my body soon goes limp, and I black out.

*

I wake up in a tiled room. It's completely white, and nothing's in it except for a mattress, the one I'm lying on right now.

I push myself up into a sitting position with my hands, and I notice that they are bandaged. I can see blood stains peeking through. I stand up, a little too fast because spots soon appear, but I continue to walk over to the door. I try pulling on it, but it's locked from the outside. I'm about to knock on it when a nurse bursts through. L

"Frank, do you know what happened?"

Sadly, yes.

I nod.

"Ok. Do you think you're stable enough to go back out?"

I nod.

She looks me up and down, and let's out a heavy sigh, "Ok. C'mon."

She ushers me out, and walks me into the day room. She's about to turn around, but I stop her, grabbing her wrists.

"Where's Gerard?"

"He's in the nurses office."

"W-what happened? Is he ok?"

"You don't know?"

I shake my head.

She sighs again, "C'mon, I'll take you. But you have to be quiet and careful ok? They're thinking about changing your guys' room if this happens again."

I'm confused, but I nod anyways.

She leads me into a room the size of a conference room. There's three beds separated by curtains, and one of them is occupied by Gerard. He's sitting up, reading a book. I run over to him.

"What happened?", I ask.

He looks a little startled, but he sets down the book and smiles at me.

"Hey Frankie? Are you feeling better?"

"You're the one in the nurses office."

He chuckles, "I'm fine."

"What happened, Gerard?"

He looks away, biting his lip. Why won't anyone tell me what happened?!

"Gerard!"

"Look Frank, before I tell you, I just want to say, it's not your fault ok? When you were having your...episode, you hurt me a little. It's nothing bad though ok? It's just a few bruises."

My mouth drops, and I feel tears welling in my eyes. I can't believe I hurt him. I was trying so hard not to listen to those stupid voices. God, I hate them so much!

"Hey, it's not your fault. You couldn't control it. I know you didn't do it on purpose. It was kinda my fault to. They told me to get away, but i insisted. I know you don't like needles, I was just trying to calm you down."

I step away from the bed.

"Well you're the only one who can do it anyways. I don't know why this one was so bad. I don't usually hurt people.", I say, the tears starting to fall.

He stands up, coming over to me, "Hey, hey, it's not your fault. I already told you that."

He holds my face, and wipes the tears away with his thumb. He leans in slowly, and our lips touch. The tears fall onto our connected lips.

I put my face in the crook of his neck, holding onto him tighter than I ever had, "I'm so sorry."


	6. Chapter 6

I hate group so much. It's the same thing every single day. They ask you how you slept, your rate, and your goal for the day. They expect you to come up with a new goal every single day, but we don't do anything here at all except for watch tv, and play cards. There's only so many different ways you can say, 'My goal is to get better, and get discharged.'

We're in the middle of group right now, and it's almost my turn. Gerard and I are sitting on the floor, his head in my lap, and my hands in his hair.

"And how 'bout you Frank? Ho are you today?", the lady asks.

"Um, I-I'm a ...five."

"Yes, and how did you sleep?"

I just stare at her, staring at me. I still can't talk to people, much less infront of a croud of people. My hands are starting to shake. Gerard tugs on my shirt, and I look down and he's staring back up at me with a reassuring smile.

I sigh, and look back up, "I slept fine, but they had to give me meds."

"Great, and Frank, how did you e-"

"I'm Gerard. I'm seventeen, and I slept great. My rates a four, and my goal is to not punch an asshole therapist who doesn't know when someone has social anxiety."

I laugh, and Gerard sends me another smile. The therapist lady clears her throat, and shuffles her paper.

"Right, well I think that's enough for this group. We're having another one after lunch."

She stands up and walks away, but not before senind us a death glare.

"That was great.", I say as she walks away.

He chuckles and pushes himself up.

"Hey, I was almost done braiding your hair."

"What?!"

He frantically reaches up to his hair, only to find that it's perfectly normal.

"Nice one Frankie.", he says, and suddenly he's on top of me, tickeling my sides.

I'm laughing my head off, and I'm squirming like worm, but he doesn't stop.

"Boundaries!", one of the nurses shout.

Gerard rolls his eyes, but get's off of me. He reaches out his hand and I take it, pulling myself up.

"Wanna go back to the room."

I nod.

I follow him through the long hall until he stop outside of ours. We wave down a nurse, begging her to let us into our rooms. She's giving us worried glances, but finally allow us to go in.

"Are they affraid we're going to kill ourselves? It's hard to do anything around here. They don't even give us real tooth brushes."

He shrugs, "You get use to it."

He lays down on the couch, and I sit awkwardly on the foot of my bed.

"What are you doing?", he asks.

"Sitting?"

"No, I mean, what are you doing over there?"

I smile, and stand up, walking over to him.

"Frank?"

"Mhm?"

"I like you."

"I like you too."

"Like... a lot."

"Oh. I ugh...I like you a lot...too."

He smiles.

"Does that mean...um"

"Yeah."

He puts a finger under my chin and lift up, kissing me softly on my lips.

"Of course I want it to mean that."

"Ok."


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm sorry. Im so, so sorry. I should have known! Please Tom, just get back down here. You can't just leave me like this!", I yell at his hanging corpse.

I bend over, throwing up bile, but it soon turns into blood, and I can't stop throwing it up. It just keeps coming, and coming, and the bloods filling up the room, and then I'm drowning in my own blood, but it's not blood anymore, I'm drowning in an ocean. I'm reaching up, but the harder I kick to the surface, the further I move away. I'm clawing at my throat. I need air, but I keep falling, and soon, there's nothing.

I'm in a dark room, and I know that my eyes are open, but it's so dark, I can't see anything. It's so black, the color is masked by the darkness. I try to reach out, but my hand hits cement. I'm trapped in a room, but it's so small, I would mistake it for a box if it weren't for the solid walls.

The air is getting thicker and thicker, and it gets harder to breathe, so I pound on the walls trying to get out. My arms are bleeding, and breaking when I finally make it through, but the black figures are surrounding me again, and they're walking closer. I scream, trying to run away, but it's like my feet are glued to the ground. I'm screaming, and I don't stop screaming until I'm swallowing blood...

"Frank! Frank! Wake up!"

I sit up frantically, trashing around in the bed sheets.

"I-I can't f-fucking breathe.", I gasp out.

He pulls the blankets off of me, but it's not working.

"I'm on fire. My skins burning."

I can feel my blood boiling insides my veins. He pulls me into his arms and he runs over to the bathroom, trying hard to open the door while I'm in his arms. When we get in, he pulls the curtains back from the shower, and steps inside, turning the dial on all the way to the c, and soon, freezing water falls on us.

"Gerard, I can't breathe, please."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. It'll be over soon.", he says, stroking my wet hair.

I can feel his body trembling against mine, but my bodies only just starting to cool down. The waters making my face numb, and I didn't even realize I was crying. My tears are mixing with the water, making my mouth salty.

I finally breathe, and my body starts to tremble. Gerard reaches over me to turn the shower off. He kisses my head.

"Are you ok?"

I shake my head.

He chuckles, "Yeah, that was a stupid question."

I start to cry, and my bodies shaking from, not the cold water, but my sobs. I try to wipe the tears away, but they're falling too hard.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I...I saw him. I saw him!"

"Who?"

"T-Tom! He was just motionless, just hanging there."

"It's not reall. None of it was. You were just having a nightmare."

"But the figures, they were there last time, when I wasn't dreaming, and they were here again! They were going to kill me!"

"Shh, Frankie, no ones going to hurt you while I'm here, ok?"

"I'm so scared Gerard."

"I know. I'm here though. Just remember that I'm here."

I cling onto him tighter.

"I'm sorr-"

"Sh. We're going to get dried off, and then you can sleep with me in my bed ok?"

"I don't think I can sleep."

"Then we won't. We can talk, or we can just lay there, whatever you want. Is that ok?"

I nod. He kisses me on the cheek, and pulls me up. His hands are pale, and so are mine, and I'm sure my lips turned a slight shade of blue. He grabs a towel and wipes my face off, and then he's staring at my chest.

"Do you, do you want me to go...?"

"I don't care, just done leave me alone."

He smiles and nods.

"I'm just going to grab clothes and then I'll be right back, ok?"

I grab his wrist.

"I promise I'm not going anywhere, it's not like I want to anyway."

I let go, and he quickly walks out. I slowly take my soaking wet shirt off, and I struggle a little to take my pants off, but I manage it. Right then, Gerard walks in.

"Oh...um, here.", he says, handing me clothes.

He turns around as I switch my boxers, and I chuckle a little. "You can turn around now."

He wipes off my chest, and his hands linger around a little longer then they should, but I don't care. He dresses me like a little kid, but again, I don't mind because I'm so fucking dead inside right now.

When he's done dressing himself, he pulls me back out into our room. He lays down in bed, and scoots over. These are single beds, which mean we have to be practically on top of each other to fit on it, again, I don't mind. Ill take any excuse to be closer to him. He turns around so that we're facing each other, his arms around my waist, our faces inches apart. We're so close, I can feel the air coming out of his nose. He kisses me on the nose, and we cuddle closer together, if that was even possible. He yawns.

"Did I wake you up?", I ask, stroking his cheek.

"It's fine."

So basically yes. I sigh. He already has insomnia and I woke him up the first time he's gotten sleep in two days.

"Hey Frankie, it's fine. I'm just glad you're okay. I'll fall asleep with you next to me."  
I set my face in the crook of his neck, and breathe in. He smells like the stupid gel deodorant they give us, but hey, they do smell good.

"Go to sleep, ok?"

I nod.

"Love you Frankie, good night."


	8. Chapter 8

Gerard POV

I sigh, turning over for the millionth time. The darkness is blinding, and all I want right now is to just fall asleep. I kick the blankets off, but then pull them back on again.   
I wonder what my mom and him are doing right now. They could be having sex, or at work, or dead for all I know, but it doesn't matter, because I keep trying to imagine them hating their lives, and missing me, but I just can't do it. They left me here, and if they missed me, they'd come back for me.

But they haven't.

I don't care about him, and I shouldn't care about my mom after she chose him over me, even after finding out what he did, but I miss her, and I just want her to hug me and tell me she loves me.

Tears start to well up in my eyes, but I quickly blink them away. I take in a shaky breath, and slowly stand up, careful to not make any noise. Just because I can't sleep doesn't mean Frank shouldn't. He always looks so dead, and tired. It's probably from the nightmares he's always waking up from.

I hate nightmares. I use to get them all the time, and they were horrible. My old therapist, the one I actually liked before I came here, he said they were because of my ptsd.

Sometimes I'm glad I have insomnia, because then I don't have to live through those nightmares, and that says a lot, because after a few days of not getting sleep, your mind tends to play tricks on you, and it's like you are living in a giant nightmare.

Sometimes...sometimes.

I walk over to my drawer and open the very bottom one, taking out a small box. I take out the envelope, and it's shaking slightly in my hands. I turn around, about to walk back when I trip over my shoes, and fall, dropping the box on the ground, creating a loud thud to ring through the the room. Our door swings open, a nurses head peaking through.

"What's going on?", the nurse and Frank ask in unison.

"Sorry, I ugh, I just tripped."

She rolls her eyes and closes the door again. I sigh loudly, and push myself up. I reach for the box, and the lid is slightly hanging off. Great.

"What happened?", he asks, his voice still groggy from sleep.

"Nothing, go back to sleep Frankie.", I say, cupping his face with one hand, while the letter stays securely in my other behind me back.

"What are you holding?", he asks, raising his eyebrow.

I sigh, and drop my hand, sitting back down on my bed. I pull up my legs, hugging them closely to my chest, and pat the space in front of me. He yawns, covering his mouth with his hands before sitting down.

"A few months back, my mom sent me a letter, but I was so mad, I never opened it. I couldn't sleep, and I was just thinking about it, and I just really want to know what she said, but I'm too scared to open it."

He stretches, and takes the envelope.

"How bout I open it, and since it's already open, you might as well read it.", I chuckle, "I don't think that, that's how that works-"

Before I finish the sentence, he hands it back to me, except this time, the back is torn and open. Well he's right, I might as well. I breathe in, and take the piece of paper out. It's folded nicely, and I can still smell her favorite perfume over it.

"She likes to spray her letters with this perfume she has. It's her favorite."

I look up and he has the most gently smile on. I smile back and return my gaze back to the paper. My stiff fingers unfold the paper, and the ink is slightly smudged. She was left handed.

Dear Gerard,   
I'm sorry you have to be there, but your father and I think it's the best choice. We know you've been troubled for a long time, and we just want you to get better, and being there will help. We understand that it's a hard time for you right now, but we know that once it's over, you will thank us.  
And as for the topic your father and you bring up, well there's nothing much to say. Your father has told me his side of the story, and I listened just like I did with yours, and as you can see, I've chosen him. He's an adult, he's your father, and he's my husband, the love of my life. We think that all of the things you've told us, 'made up', it's all because of your disease, and we don't blame you. Once you get better, you will realize that your father has done nothing wrong. We'll see you when the doctors call.  
Love,   
Mom

"Are you ok Gerard?", he asks, grabbing my wrist.

I flinch, and push his hand away, so hard that he falls back a little. A hurt look crosses his face. I didn't mean to seem harsh or mean, I'm just so fucking pissed off right now. I mean, how could a mother write this to their own son, their own flesh and blood? And honestly, I've had so much therapy, I've repressed the urges to throw up, or scream every time someone touches me. This is mild, and it's the first time it's happened in while.

"Sorry Frankie, it's just this letter. I hate her, I hate her so much."

I look up, expecting to see his face, but instead, I'm met with the wall across the room. I turn my head and see that he's sitting on his own bed.

"Frankie, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, I'm just really upset with this letter. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm sorry.", he says, tears falling, and hitting his bare legs.

I read something in one of the books here at the library that people with schizophrenia have paranoia, and I really didn't mean to seem like I was mad at him.

"I'm not mad you Frank, I promise.", I say gently, rubbing his cheek with my thumb.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...", he keeps repeating, and I suddenly realize he's not talking to me anymore.

I wrap an arm around his shoulder and waist, and pull him into into me, so that we're sitting side by side. He's shaking, and taking short gasps, and I'm running out of ideas.

"Focus on me, focus on my voice.", I whisper into his ear.

I think he might be having a panic attack instead of one of his 'episodes'. I rub his back, and keep talking.

"Frankie, it's me, just listen to me, ok? I love you, I love you so much. Look at your hands, you have five fingers right? Now look at the clock, is it ticking at the right time?"

He nods, "Great. Please don't slip, just focus on what's real. I know you can do it. I won't let them get us. We're in this together, got it? I'm here."

After a few minutes of his restless mind, his breathing starts to ease, and I can feel my heart slowing down too. It's over. I kiss his cheek, and let go slightly, but still keep an arm around his shoulder.

"I love you Gerard."

I smile, and kiss him on the lips.

"C'mon, let's go back to sleep."


	9. Chapter 9

I giggle at a joke Gerard whispers into my ear, and I earn a glare from one of the kids. I make eye contact but quickly look away, and I can see him snickering at me from the corner of my eye. Getting glares and judgmental looks from people doesn't bother me anymore. You never escape those things, even when you're in a mental facility filled with people who are like that.

"Hey Gerard?"

"Yeah?", he asks, toying with my hair.

"When did you know you were...you know...?"

He chuckles, "Gay?"

I nod, blushing a little.

"I'm actually bi, but I prefer guys more. I realized when I had to break up with my girlfriend of two years when I fell in love, or thought I fell in love, with this guy who was a grade above me. It obviously didn't work out, he was too scared of being outed, and we never had any fun. There was never any of the whole 'spark', and 'firework' thing."

"Oh."

He smiles at me, and returns to playing with my hair, and I return to just staring at the tv, though not taking anything in. It's on discovery channel, but I could care less about alligators, or whatever they're talking about. They get to the part where they tell you the difference between a crocodile and an alligator when the same guy from before walks up to us.

"Are you guys dating?"

I look around the room, trying to find a nurse, but they've left us alone in the room. Great job, who decided to leave a bunch of mentally unstable kids in a room alone?

"Yes, we are.", Gerard says, straightening up a little, his hands leaving my hair.

"So you guys are a pair of fags?"

"Hey, dude, watch your mouth.", Gerard says, standing up.

"No wonder you guys are here.", he says, snickering.

I'm starting to get anxious, and I can feel my throat starting to tighten. I tug on the corner of Gerard's shirt, and he looks down.

"Can we go?", I mutter out.

He nods, and takes my hand, pulling me up.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?", the guys asks, stepping in front of us.

"We're leaving, so can you just leave us alone?", Gerard says, trying to step around him.

The guy pushes Gerard's shoulder, making him stumble back a little.

-I told you they'd hurt you. You never listen to me.-

"Please just leave us alone.", I whisper out.

Im not sure if it's to the the voices, or to him, maybe it's to both, I don't know.   
The boy laughs at me, and pushes me to the ground. He kicks me in the side, and twice to head, and that's when everything blacks out.

*

I can hear his voice, his laughing, the first time in years. It sounds so real, but it can't be, because he's dead. He's been dead for four years. But I can still hear it, he's still laughing.

I follow the sound, and soon enough, I'm facing the back of Toms kneeling body.

"Tom?!"

He turns around, and he looks exactly the same as I remembered him, just a little bit older.

"Am, am I dead?", I stutter out, confused as to why I can see him.

He doesn't say anything, and turns back around, laughing at whatever he was laughing at. It's like I wasn't even here.

"Tom, please!"

He turns around again, but just like before, doesn't say anything, returning to his own business. I try to walk closer, and the distance lengthens, just like my normal nightmares, except he was alive this time. He wasn't just a corpse on the floor, or hanging from the ceiling, no he was laughing, and he looked...clean. I try getting closer, but the distance between us would never shorten, and it never will shorten. I just want to be able to hold him one more time, just to tell him how much I love him, and how much I miss him.

Suddenly, he stands up, and the black figures are back. I back away, but there's no where for me to go. They move closer to Tom, and he's trying to back away from them, but he can't move fast enough. 

"Please! Please don't.", he screams out, but the black figures keep moving closer, ignoring his cries.

I try to run to him, to pull him away, but I just can't get close enough, I'm screaming too, I know I am because my mouth is open, and there are tears streaming down my face, but no sound is coming out.

Tom disappears between the black figures, and they retreat, leaving me alone. I fall to my knees, and I can hear them laughing at me, mocking me. I pull at my hair, and I hit my head against the floor.

"Just let me die! Please! Take me with you too.", I scream out, but I'm met with nothing but silence, and suddenly, I miss the voices.


	10. Chapter 10

"Tell me exactly what happened, Frank.", the doctor says.

"I-I don't know.", I say shakily.

"Wh-where's Gerard?", I ask, a little panicked.

Since I woke up in the nurses room, I haven't seen him, and I'm starting to worry. I can feel myself getting worked up, and I just really want to see Gerard.

"He's fine, you however, you need to tell us-"

"I can't remember! And I can't think when he's all I can think about. Where is he?"

The doctor sighs, and writes something down on the clip board.

"We'll take you to him as soon as you tell us what happened."

I breathe in, and try to slow down my heart beat.

"I was just sitting with Gerard when this boy came up to us, and he pushed Gerard back when we tried to leave, and then he knocked me down, and kicked me, and then I blacked out, that's all that I remember."

He pauses for a second before speaking, "Frank, we're thinking about relocating your room-"

"No! Please don't. Gerard, he's the only one I can talk to. You- you can't do that to me."

"You'll still be able to see each other, you just won't-"

"Please. He's the only friend I've got here. He's the only friend I have."

He doesn't say anything for a while, just staring at me, and I shift uncomfortably on the chair.

"The nurses did tell me that he was able to pull you out of one of your episodes. Is that true?"

I nod.

"Has he pulled you out of any more?"

I nod.

He sighs again, and writes down some more stuff, and then closes the file. He stands up, ushering me to follow. I quickly jump up.

"W-where are we going?"

"I thought you wanted to see Gerard?"

I smile, and he opens the door, leading us out. We walk through the hall, passing the rooms, and then down another hall, past the lunch room, and then one more, and there's only one room at the very end of it.

"Is he in there?"

He nods.

"Why? Why isn't he in the room or something?"

"We had to put him in the quiet room. He hurt another patient, and he's really lucky that, that's all we did."

Hurt someone? Gerard would never do that, unless it was to that kid, but in that case, wouldn't it be in self defense?

The doctor unlocks the door, and slowly opens it. The room is uncomfortably white, and if you're not crazy when they put you in here, I'm sure you'll turn crazy. There's absolutely nothing in here but a mattress. Gerard is sitting across from it, in the corner, looking down. He doesn't move, not even when we walk in.

"Gerard, someone's here to see you."

"Leave me alone.", he says without looking up.

"G-Gerard?", I whisper out.

His head snaps up, and he looks so tired. He stands up, runs over to me, and throws his arms around me, squeezing me tight.

"Hey ,Frankie.", he whispers into my ear.

I sigh in relief as I hug him back. I start to cry into his shoulder, his arms just tightens in response.

"It's ok. What happened?"

"It was him...again? But the nightmare, or whatever, it was different this time. He was alive. He just sat there, laughing, but then, then they came and took him. He didn't want to go, and they took them!"

He rubs my back.

"I begged them to take me too.", I let out.

Gerard lets go a little, but his hands don't leave my body. Instead, they are on my shoulder and we are arm lengths apart, and he's looking into my eyes.

His hand reaches up to my face, and he cups them, wiping away my tears with his thumb. He leans in and kisses my forehead.

"How long have you been here?", I ask.

"I don't know. There's no window, or clock in here. You lose sense of time."

I nod, standing up, pulling him with me. I turn around, expecting to see the doctor, but instead, I'm met with a nurse across the hall. She's leaning against the wall, blowing a bubble with her gum.

"W-where's the doctor?"

"He told me to take you guys back to the room when you guys were done? Ready?"

I nod. Gerard slips his hands into mine, and we walk back to our room quietly. The nurse opens the door and without uttering another word, leaves.

"Why were you in there?", I ask, siting down on the couch.

Gerard sits down next to me, laying his head on my shoulder.

"After you passed out, I kinda beat that kid up. It was...it was pretty bad. He's lucky a broken arm was all he got."

"You broke his arm!", I ask, jumping up.

"I'm sorry ,Frankie. I know you don't like violence, but...but he hurt you!"

"And you hurt him!"

"I told you before, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you as long as I'm with you. And I already broke that promise, the least I could do was teach him a lesson."

I stare at him. He just doesn't look like the violent type.

"I don't know, maybe my bi polar side came out."

I roll my eyes, "Don't use your mental illness as an excuse."

He sighs, "You're right. I'm sorry, I really am. I promise I won't ever do anything like that ever again, ok?"

I sigh, and sit back down, taking my turn to lean on him now. He wraps his arm around my shoulder, and we stay like that.

"It was torture not being able to see you for so long.", he says.

He's playing with our hands against my lap.

"They wouldn't let me see you. It was terrible. They even thought of switching our rooms."

He lets go of my hand, bringing his up to my hair. He really likes playing with them for some reason. I set my hand on his wrist, stroking it slightly, and he suddenly stands up.

"What did you do?", he asks frantically.

"N-nothing, I just, I set my hand on your arm."

"No, you were moving it."

"I'm, I'm sorry. Should I not do that?"

My voice comes out shaky, but I don't mean to sound like that. I just really hate upsetting people, especially if they're people I care about.

"I'm sorry Frank. I didn't mean to raise my voice, it's just...it's complicated."

"Why?"

"I-I want to tell you, but, but I can't. I just can't. You won't be ready for it...and it'll ruin everything we have."

"Nothing could ruin this."

"Everything can."

"Gerard, -"

"We're the two most unstable people ever! I mean, you with your, your...thing! And me, me with mine! I can't even eat food now without you watching over me like a hawk. If I tell you..."

I cower back against the couch. I hate it when people yell, and I hate it when it's because of something I did. I didn't mean to try to invade his privacy, it's just, he looks like he might pass out any moment. It's like he's starving himself to death, and I'm sure it scares me more than it scares him.

His shoulder drops, and he looks like he hasn't slept in years...well I guess he really hasn't, not well at least. You can count the rings under his eyes, like the rings in a tree. I never realized how much of a skeleton he resembled. With hollowed out eyes and cheekbones, covered with years and years of restless nights, and yet, he's still the most beautiful boy I've ever seen.

He rubs his face, and sighs heavily, "I...I didn't mean...I didn't mean any of that."

I drop my head, staring at my lap. He walks back over, sitting down next to me. His bodies' stiff, and so are his motions.

"I just...I'm just afraid of you judging me, and I don't want you to look at me, treat me differently. And I don't care about you watching over me, and giving me your left overs. It's been a while since anyone's actually cared."

He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into his lap, kissing me gently on my head.

"I love you so much Frank, and I don't care that we're messed up. I'd live through life dealing with this...with us, if it meant being with you everyday."

He kisses my neck, and I finally give in. I push up against him so that my back was against his stomach, and his arms were around me. He rests his face in the crook of my neck, blowing hot air onto the spot.

"I won't judge you, and I won't treat you differently, you know I won't."

He breathes in.

"I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything, just give me some time?"

I nod, "All the time you need. I'll give you all of it."


	11. Chapter 11

When we walked into the lunch room, all eyes turned on us, but it wasn't like the first day I was here. Those eyes were filled with curiosity, filled with...anger? Confusion? Both?

I grab a tray, and like usual, Gerard just sits down at our table, not bothering to even pretend to grab food. Some heads turn to him, some keep on mine.

The attention is starting to make me shake, and as I walk back, I drop the tray and cup of water in my hands. I quickly kneel down, grabbing the napkins scattered on the floor from the tray, and frantically try to clean up the mess. More eyes are on me now. Gerard runs over, and kneels down next to me, helping with the mess. I can hear them whispering and laughing, and I'm trying to settle my uneven breathing, but what I'm doing only makes it worse. I'm about to pick up another napkin when Gerard grabs my wrist, stopping me.

"I'll ask one of the nurses to clean it up, let's get you back to the room.", he whispers out.

I nod, and he helps me up. He pulls me towards the door, and says something I can't hear to the nurses, and soon, we're walking back to our room.

"What happened? Are you ok?", he asks as he closes the door.

"I-I just...just don't like being the center of attention."

He rubs my shoulder, "Don't worry, they weren't judging you, they were judging me."

I give him a sympathetic look. After hearing what he did to that kid, all the other patients have been avoiding Gerard. Some of them didn't even want to be in the same room with him because they were afraid he would attack them.

I turn around and wrap my arms around him, kissing him on the cheek. I drop my face into the crook of his neck, and feel his hand stroking my neck. Suddenly the door opens, making us jump and pull apart.

"Frank, the doctor wants to see you.", the nurse says, without realizing what's going on.

I look at her, and then back at Gerard.

"I'll be here when you get back.", he says smiling.

That smile could make time stop, and it does every time. Maybe that's how he pulls me out of my episodes. He could do anything with that smile.

"Frank?"

I snap out of my haze. I didn't even realize I was staring at Gerard, and I don't think he realized either, because he starts blushing furiously.

I hear the impatient tapping of the nurses foot against the floor, and I finally turn around and follow her out. She leads me to an open door down the hall, and pushes me inside, where a doctor I saw a few weeks ago, was sitting. I think he's the one who prescribes medication here.

"Hello Frank.", he says.

He has a strong accent that I'm not sure where it's from.

"How are you lately? How have you been feeling?"

"I, ugh...fine. I feel fine."

"Right.", he says.

He scribbles something down, humming as he does so. It's really quiet, and besides the humming, the only thing I can hear is the small ticking of the clock on the wall.

"So we've decided to start you on some new meds. They help with anxiety and your depression."

I stare at him, waiting for him to continue. He looks up, and quickly starts again.

"The thing is, one of the most common side effect is hallucination, but these meds are amazing, and they've helped a lot of people."

I look at him like he's crazy. Who ever thought it was good to give people with schizophrenia medication that will make them hallucinate?

"What do you think?"

I shrug.

"Does it matter? You're going to give it to me anyway. I don't even know why you called me in here.", I say, looking down at my feet.

He sighs, "Here."

He opens a drawer and takes out a small cup with a big blue pill in it. He sets it down for me, motioning for me to pick it up. I roll my eyes, but take the cup anyways, and stand up.

"Show the nurse on the way out.", he says, closing my file, taking out a new one.

See, here's the thing with these doctors and psychiatrists. They don't care. They never will, because if they get too invested, let our lives affect theirs, they won't be able to do their job. It's like light switches with them, as soon as the patient leaves, you flip off the switch and turn on the next one as another patient sits down on the same exact chair, in the same exact room. That's why I hate them so much. They try to act like they care, but they don't, like everyone else.

I push the door close behind me, and crumble up the little tiny paper clip, tossing it in the trash can. I open my mouth to show the nurse that I swallowed the pill, and soon, I'm back in my own room again.

"Hey! That was fast.", Gerard says, closing the bedroom door behind me.

"They just wanted to talk to me about new medication."

"Really? What's it for?"

He sits down on the bed and pats the area in front of him. I walk over, sit down crossed leg in front of him, and he sets his hands on my leg.

"Anxiety and depression.", I say through a sigh.

"What did they need to talk about? They never tell me when they're adding or switching me."

I hesitate for a moment, but decide to tell him anyways.

"They might cause hallucination."

He stares at me, and then starts to laugh, "You're kidding right?"

My silence substituted the answer, and his jaw drops in shock.

"I can't believe they would do that!"

"Gerard, stop.", I say, setting my hand on his arm.

He turns his gaze to me, and anger is clear in his eyes, but they soon relax, and I can feel his body letting go.

"It's easy for them to prescribe the medication when they're not the one who has to take them."

"You'll be with me the whole time so if anything happens, you'll know what to do."

He sighs, "I never know what to do."

I stroke his arm gently, and he opens his mouth again to speak.

"I get so scared when you have an...attack. It's selfish, I know, since you're the one who's having it, but I feel so utterly helpless, because you're there, and I'm here."

He wraps his arms around me, and I jump a little at the sudden movement.

"Frank, if only I could take all the pain away... I would do anything for you, you know that right?"

I kiss the top of his head, and run my hands through his hair, "Yeah, I know."

I feel something wet against my skin and I realize he's crying.

"God, you deserve so much more, so much more than this, so much more than me."

"Stop."

"You deserve someone who can make you happy, actually make you happy, and won't just drag you down, and be just as unstable as you."

"Gerard, please st-"

"I brought all of this upon myself, and I could change, get better if I tried, if I wanted to, but yet you're here, and you listen to me complain, and you have your own problems, and you can't change them, and everything's so unfair. You just deserve -"

"I deserve someone who makes me happy, and someone who loves me. I deserve you Gerard, and even if I didn't, or even if you didn't deserve me, I would still want to be with you. Even if you're just a rock tied to my ankle as I'm drowning in the ocean, I would still want you, because if you're taking me down, or if I'm taking you down, at least we'll go down together, and I'm okay with that, I really am. Because some days...most days, you're a balloon that's pulling me up, out of the fog and haze, and I'm willing to have the water fill my lungs if it means I'll be able to see the better days with you."

His arms tighten around me, and I find that my arms are around him too, and his body is slightly shaking, shuttering with each tear.

"Why are you crying?", I ask as I push him up, looking at his tear stained face.

He looks down, chewing on his lip, and looks back up at me. He takes a deep breathe, his body shaking once more, and he wipes his cheeks.

"I'm ready to tell you what happened between my...dad...and I."


	12. Chapter 12

Gerard's dad molested him ever since he was five.

"When did he stop?", I ask, stroking the top of his hand with my thumb.

"When I was ten, but that was because he moved back in with my mom after their break up. Also because it was around the time I started realizing it wasn't normal. You know when you're five, and nothing really makes sense. If your dad touched you, and told you that, that was what good little boys let their father do, then you would listen."

He shutters a little next to me, and I wrap my arm protectively around his waist. His dad might not be here to hurt him anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm still not going to try to protect him from the memories.

"And then...and then he...forced himself on me when I was sixteen. I definitely knew it was wrong then, and when I tried to say no, he would beat me. He would whip me with his belt, and sometimes, he'd hit me until I bled.

I blamed myself for such a long time. I thought it was my fault that he did all those things to him. I thought that maybe if I was a better son, he wouldn't have needed those things from me. I started eating less, sleeping less...it was just a horrible time, and it didn't stop for a while."

I feel tears dripping onto my hands that were around his waist. I look at him and it's red, and covered in tears. He uses his sleeve to wipe them away, and then he turns around and buries his face into my chest.

"Can we sleep?", he mutters into the thin material.

"Yeah, of course."

I adjust us a little so that we were facing each other, undeniabley close, my arms wrapped around his body, and his hands between our chests. He's usually the one comforting me, and holding me, and stroking my hair, but it was my turn to do the same for him.

I kiss the tip of his nose, and tangle my hand into his hair. He's breathing heavy, but it soon evens out, and he's finally sleeping. I let out a deep sigh, and wrap my arms just a little tighter around him.

*

I slowly lay my hand on top of Gerard's. He snaps up from his day dream at the touch, about to pull away, but he follows the hand to my eyes, and he lets out a small smile. I smile in return, although mines a little more forced.

"Do you want my apple?", I ask.

He shakes his head, moving his hand back from under mine, and sets it in his lap. He returns his gaze back to his legs, and let out a sigh.

"C'mon G. I know....you don't like to eat much, but you usually at least eat a fruit or something."

"I'm not hungry.", he mutters out.

"Just a bite. It'll make you fee-"

"I said I'm not hungry!"

I coward back, my back pressing against my chair.

"Ok, I'm sorry.", I whisper out, dropping my gaze to my plate.

It was topped with foamy eggs, and orange juice that was powder only a few minutes ago.

"I'm sorry 'Frank. I'm just...tired."

I look up at him, my shoulders still slouched, and open my mouth to speak again, "Didn't you get some sleep last night?"

"I had a nightmare."

"You should've woken me up, I could've helped."

"Don't think you're one to say."

Guilt immediately washes over his face as the words slip through his mouth, but I was already pushing my chair back. I fumble around, grabbing the paper plate, and walk over to the trash can that was next to the door.

"Frank! Frank, I'm sorry. I...I didn't mean that."

I look at the nurse that was standing next to the door, "Please, can I go back to my room?"

"Breakfast isn't over yet."

"Please.", I whine.

His hands grab my wrist, pulling me gently around.

"Frank, god I'm so sorry."

I feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I want to cry, but I can't in front of him, and the rest of the lunch room. Why am I even letting those petty words get to me?

-It's because you're a sensitive little fag. Why do you think he's treating you the way he is?-

"Shut up. I don't want to listen to you right now."

Gerard's eyes widen, and he lets go of my wrist. My arms fall limply against my body.

"Hey nurse, I really think we should go.", Gerard says, tapping on her shoulder.

"Breakfast isn't over."

"He's going to have an...attack.", he says, whispering the end for my sake.

But I hear it none the less.

A worried, hesitant look crosses her face, and she finally breaks, opening the door. She motions to the other nurse across the room, and starts to lead us back to our room. Gerard's pulling me along with them, his grip getting tighter after each room we pass by.

We finally stop in front of ours, and the nurse looks through thousands of keys before she finally finds the one that opens the room doors.

Gerard pulls us inside, and closes the door a little too loud.

-He's going to hurt you. He's closing the door so no one can hear your screams. If you hurt him first, he can't get you!-

No. Gerard won't hurt me. He loves me, and he'd never lay a finger on me if it wasn't for comfort. I know that!

-Do you really? Didn't you see the way he looked at you, or the way he talked to you?-

I fall onto the floor, crying into my knees, wishing for those stupid voices to go away. I can only listen to one, mine, or his, and they're both so contradicting, but I don't know which ones the right one. My thoughts turn into muddy water, but millions of thoughts still run through it, bits and pieces getting stuck, clogging my brain.

-This is all your fault! This is all your fault!-

"This is all your fault, Frank! Tom wouldn't be dead right now if it wasn't for you! You knew didn't you? You knew and you never did a thing. You killed Tom!", she shouts at me, throwing her arms and hands everywhere.

She strikes me in the face, and I'm not sure if it's intentional or by accident, but tears rim my eyes anyways.

"It's not my fault! I didn't know. Mom, please, stop!"

She pushes me back and runs out, slamming the door behind her. I fall onto the floor, burying my face in my knees, wishing for all of this to be a bad dream. The scent of his cologne is suffocating, and so I push myself off of the ground, and walk over to the window, pulling it open. I look down, and we're pretty high up.

I set my hands on the rim, and push myself up, and soon, my legs are hanging over the edge.

"Frank! Frank!"

And suddenly, I'm not in my room anymore.

"W-where am I?"

I look around and see that I'm clinging onto the metal bars surrounding the window in the room. There's blood dripping down my arm from the rusty metal that was broken in some places, leaving jagged edges.

"Frank?...Can you hear me?"

He slowly walks closer to me, his arms out, like he was approaching a wild animal. I feel more tears fall from face, dripping a little on to my neck.

I turn back around to face the window, and I look out. We kept the windows close here, and I hadn't looked out into the real world for months. The sky was grey, and there was a slight drizzle.

I feel his hands on my shoulder, and one is on my arm, that's still hanging out, between the metal bars. He slowly takes my arm out from between the metal, it stings, and turns me around, so I'm facing the room, and him again.

"It was all my fault, Gerard. I should've known. I could've helped, and he'd be alive right now, and...and I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't be like this."


	13. Chapter 13

Gerard's POV

I dab the cut on his arm from the metal bars. He flinches, but doesn't let out a sound. I grab the bandages, and slowly wrap them around his arms tightly. They weren't really deep, but they were long, and the metal was rusty, so I don't want to risk getting an infection.

"It took forever for me to convince the doctors that this was an accident, and for them to to let me do it myself.", I say, finishing wrapping up his arm.

He doesn't acknowledge my words, or move, or do anything. I let out a sigh, and put my hands in his, but they're limp, and cold against mine. I give it a squeeze, but he doesn't even flinch.

"Um, Frank, just...if...if you want me to go...I'll go. Just tell me, or do something, I'll leave you alone. You just have to ask.", I say.

Every thing is silent, and it's like I'm staring at a picture, because nothing's moving.

I stand up from where I was kneeling on the ground, so that I could be eye level with Frank who was on the bed, and throw the bloody napkin in the trash.

"I'll go."

As I'm walking out, all I want is for him to tell me to stay, pull me back into the cold, silent room. No one would want to go in there. It's filled with the stench of sweat and tears, if you could even imagine that, and it's so quiet. But I'd go in there, I'd never leave, because Franks in there, and that's all I'll ever need, but he doesn't stop me.

I wipe the tears off of my face, and shake my hands out, trying to get rid of the tension in them. I'm shaking like crazy, and all I want to do is curl up into a ball, with Franks's arms around me.

I let out a heavy sigh as I walk into the dayr room.

*

"Gerard?"

I slowly open my eyes and see the image in front of me. I'm curled up in a chair in the day room, but it's completely empty, well except for me and the nurse. I've never seen her face before. She looks quite young, only a year or so older than me.

She smiles, and straightens her form, "It's bed time, and you have to go back to your room."

I close my eyes, and lay my head back down, "I don't want to go back."

"But you have to."

"You don't understand, I can't."

I open my eyes and see her face, and she's frowning down at me.

"Why not?"

I sigh and push myself up into a sitting position. I pull down my sleeves so that its covering my hands, and the room suddenly feels much colder.

"Frank doesn't want to see me."

"He likes you the most though."

"I know, but he's really upset right now, and he wants to be alone."

She sits down next to me, "If there's anything I learned while working around people, it's that we never really want to be alone, especially in our most broken state. We push people away because we're afraid. We're already too broken, and we're scared that if we let people in, we'll brake even more. But I know you would never hurt Frank, and he knows it too, but the other side of him...the one that hears the voices, they're trying to convince him otherwise. He's scared, and he needs you."

I look at her, and I haven't seen a smile that genuine since I've gotten here form anyone but Frank.

"Are you new here?"

"Yeah. I'm actually your new nurse, Lindsey."

"You look really young."

She blushes, "Yeah. I just turned eighteen. My mom owns this place, and I just got my degree."

"Eighteen, and you already have a degree?"

"Well yeah, I'm an early bloomer, but I kinda cheated a little too, since you know...my mom works here, but I'm still qualified of course.", she says, a little flustered.

I chuckle, "Right. Well I guess...I should go back then."

She nods, and stands up, leading me to door.

"Frank?", I call, slowly opening the door.

All around me are voices form the other patience as they hurry to get to bed on time. We have an hour to do whatever we need to do each, so that's about two hours before lights out. We get called to bed at eight, so we don't really have to go to sleep till ten, but most of the people spend the time talking, so as the hand gets closer to ten, the sound of buckets hitting the floor, and showers being turned on increases. I block out the noises, and close the door behind me.

"Frank?"

The room is completely empty, and my heart rate picks ups.

"Frank!?", I shout once more, except this time, it comes out a little strangled.

I scan the entire room until my eyes lands on the doors leading into the bathroom, which is closed when it's usually open.

I walk over, knocking on it frantically. He could just be using the toilet, or taking a shower, but the water isn't on, and he would've answered. I bang on the door this time, but still no response. So instead, I twist the handle, and thank god they don't have locks on any of these doors here.

I push the door open, and inside, Frank's leaned up against the wall, and blood is dripping down his arms.

"Oh my fucking god!", I scream.

I lean down and shake his shoulders. His wrists and hands are covered in cuts, some small, some deeper than from this morning. His eyes open, and he frantically looks around.

"Oh my god, Frank. You're alive! I thought...I thought you were..."

He looks down at his arms, and his eyes widen. He starts shaking his head, and tries to wipe the blood off with his hands but he only makes it worse.

"No, no, no, no.", he mutters, as he smears the blood everywhere.

As he messes with the cuts, more blood comes out, and they start to pool onto his pants.

"Frank, stop!", I say, trying to grab his arms, but not wanting to hurt his arm.

He doesn't stop thrashing around, so I force my hands to wrap around his wrists. He lets out a cry of pain, and I'm so thankful our doors are closed, and everyone showering around us, or the nurses would of definitely heard the commotion going on in our room.

"Frank, please listen to me."

He tries to pull away, but my grip only tightens, and I feel my chest tighten too. The look of pain on his face is making me physically hurt, and I just want this all to be over.

His arms finally falls limp in my hands, and I let out a deep sigh. I look up to his face and his eyes are huge, and filled with tears, and so his face.

"Oh Frank, I'm so sorry."

His lip trembles, and so does his entire body. I can see his small body physically shaking.

I put my hands on his waists and pull him onto my lap. I wipe the blood on my hand onto my jeans, and slowly stroke his head. He wraps his arms around my neck, and pushes his face against my chest.

"I-I didn't mean to. He...he made me. Please don't tell them. Please don't leave me."

"But Frank...you're...you're getting worse."

His arms tightens around my neck, and his body shakes harder, "Please, Gerard."

He starts sobbing into my chest, and continues to beg.

"Ok, ok, I won't. But I'm going to tell them to stop giving you those meds, ok?"

He nods.

"Now, we have to get you cleaned up, and the bathroom too."

He nods again.

I stand up, picking him up with me too, and set him onto the sink. His bodies small enough for the sink to hold him, and it takes all the strength in me to get his arms off around my neck.

"I just need you to take of your clothes, and get into the shower, and then I'm going to go down the hall to get some new bandages."

"Don't leave me!"

"Hey, hey. Shh... It's okay.", I say, storming his cheek, "I'll be right down the hall, and it'll take me a few seconds, and I won't leave until you're in the shower."

He nods, and slowly, with shaking hands, takes off his shirt, and sweat pants, so that he's in nothing but his underwear.

"I don't really care.", he says, as he slips off his boxers.

I blush, and look away still, as he gets into the shower.

"I'll be right back, I promise."

I hear the shower turn on, and the curtains close. I let out a deep breathe. I can't believe this. Those fucking pills they gave him, I knew it was just a matter of time before they made him worse. He's heard the voices tell him to hurt himself, but they've never been that strong before.

I run my hands under the faucet to get the blood off, and quickly switch into different pants before walking out of the room.

"I need more bandages for Frank.", I say to the nurse.

He raises his eyebrow, "Already? You just got them this morning."

"Those were some rusty bars, I don't want them to get infected."

He rolls his eyes, but opens a drawer to get a roll of bandages out anyway. He tosses them to me, and waves me, "I trust you, Gerard. You're not stupid. Please don't do anything stupid."

I nod. How the fuck am I going to hang myself with fucking bandages. I could probably do a better job with the sheets. I shake my head of the thoughts, and walk back to the room.

I hear soft crying from the bathroom and hurry in. Frank's huddled against the corner with a towel around his waist.

"There so much blood.", he whispers out.

I run over to him, standing in front to mask his view of the stained floor.

"It's okay. I'm just going to bandage you up, ok?"

He nods, and pushes himself onto the sink again. I wash his wrists again before slowly wrapping them, and this time, his hands too. His arm is completely torn up, and they're going to leave scars forever. I feel my heart breaking at the thought of Frank having to look at them for the rest of his life, being reminded of the time he lost to his own mind.

He gets dressed in new clothes, and I lead him back to the bedroom. He slips in, but I turn back around to go back to clean up the mess. He grabs my wrist, wincing at the pressure being put onto his hands, but ignores it, pulling me closer to him.

"I'm not leaving Frank. I'll be right there, I just have to clean up the bathroom."

He sighs, but let's go. I walk back into the bathroom, and let out a deep sigh as I get down on my knees, and slowly mop up the mess.


	14. Chapter 14

Gerard's POV

I hear a gentle whimper from besides me. I look down and see that Franks's hands are trembling. He's pushed right up against me so its a little awkward for my arms, but I eventually get them on his shoulder, and gently shake him awake.

His eyes dart open.

"It's just me, Frank.", I whisper gently into his ears.

He buries his face into my shoulder, and start to cry. I feel the tears seeping through the thin material of my shirt. He clings onto my body, like a small animal. I can feel my heart aching for him with each movement.

"Do you want to talk about it?", I ask, stroking his hair.

He stays still for a few minutes before he eventually turns around, his face uncovered and facing me.

"I had a nightmare."

His words come out broken, and his breath is shaky.

"About what?"

He closes his eyes again, and burrows against me even more. He breathes in, so do I, and my body shakes with his.

"About my mom, about what happened...earlier today."

"Frank...what...what did happen earlier today?"

"Do I have to?", he asks, his body tensing.

"No, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but I want to help you. I can't do that unless you tell me."

"But I...what if you..."

He lets out a frustrated sigh.

"Don't you trust me?"

I will admit I was a little more hurt than I had let on. I thought he'd understand by now that I'd do anything for him, and I can't live without him, and I would never do anything to hurt or betray him.

"I-I do, but... Gerard, everyone who's ever gotten close to me, they all end up leaving. It's either because I get too hard to handle, or they find someone better than me. Gerard, everyone's better than me. You definitely are, and you can definitely find someone who is too."

His voice cracks at the end, and how can anyone think of themselves like that?

"Frank, God, I wish you could just see what I see. You're so amazing, and beautiful and no one is better than you, at least not to me. You may not be perfect, but who the fuck is? And you really think I'd leave you because you're a little...harder to handle than the rest? I've had to handle myself for the last few years...I can 'handle' you too."

"That's my point though, G. You have your own demons to battle, I can't give you mine too. Especially when they are worse off. It's not fair to you."

I kiss the top of his head, "I don't think you realize how much you help me too. The only time I can ever sleep is when I'm next to you, and you're the only person I feel safe next to. And...you were the first person I told about what happened between my dad and I, besides my mom."

"Then, why were you so...closed off yesterday?"

I sigh, "I was just anxious, and my insomnia was getting to my head. Sometimes when it gets bad, I hear things, and see things, and it makes me not want to talk because of how tired I am. It wasn't anything you did, and I'm sorry I let the frustration out on you."

"This is another reason why we can't ever work. We're too messed up. I brake at the littlest touch, and you...you're too strong and stubborn for that, but it brakes you too, and you know it. We can comfort each other, we understand each other, but we'll never be able to help each other, and besides...you're going to leave this hospital, one day, and I'll be stuck behind, and what do we do then? Are you going to come every Tuesday during visitor hours?"

I stay silent for a few minutes, tossing his words around in my head, "I'd stay here for you."

He sits up, hugging his legs close to him, "No! You're basically ripping your life away. You're still young, you're not even eighteen yet. You can't spend the rest of your life in a mental hospital, especially when you don't have too."

I sit up too, and lean agains the wall. It's freezing and makes me shiver slightly.

"They won't keep you here forever. I'll just stay until you get better, and we can leave together."

"They're not going to let a schizophrenic walk around the streets freely."

"Look, I've...I've talked to the doctors about this. They said if you get better, and you have a legal guardian that can take care of you for a certain amount of time, and get therapy here every other day or so here, you could leave. I mean, you'd have to take medication, for a long time, but you weren't born with this, Frank, you can get better."

He looks at me, with hope in his eyes for the first time in months, and smiles. He leans against the wall too, and sets his head on my shoulder.

"You really think I can?"

"But you'd have to really try, and I'd be here for you every step of the way, of course.", I say into his ear.

He stays silent, and so do I.

After a while, he finally lets out a breathe, and begins to talk.

"I... I saw my mom. She was shouting at me, and yelling about how it was my fault...Toms dead."

I pull him closer to me. I can't imagine what it's like, seeing these things, hearing the words, and not knowing whether it was real or not.

"And god, Gerard, it was horrible. Everything, it felt so real. And when she slapped me, I could feel it. But it's true...right? I did kill him, I did kill tom. All of this is my fault."

"Hey, hey, none of this is your fault Frank. You didn't know Tom was going t0 do what he did. You loved him, and he knew that, but sometimes, that's just not enough for people."

"But...why else would he...kill himself?", he said, letting a tear fall as he said the end, "Why would anyone kill themselves when they know there are people who love them?"

We sit in silence for a while longer before I decide to answer his question.

"Frank?", I whisper, unsure as to wether or not he had fallen asleep.

"Mm?", he replies faintly.

"A while ago, you told me you had...you know...attempted."

"Y-yeah, I did."

"Well, based on how you feel right now, do you want to kill yourself? If I were to give you a gun, would you end it all, without hesitation?"

He sits up, and turns around to face me, and then turns back around, looking at the wall.

"Yeah, I would."

Even though I knew he would say that, and maybe I would say the same, my heart still breaks a little, knowing he's that miserable.

"You know I love you right?"

He hesitates for second, but nods, and leans back against me.

"Why would anyone kill themselves when they know that people love them?"


	15. Chapter 15

"He doesn't want to take the meds anymore. They aren't helping him, they're only making him worse.", Gerard says to the doctor.

"Well Mr. Way I know you're very close to Frank, but it's not your decision, it's hi-"

" I don't want them.", I say.

He let's out a heavy sigh and redirects his gaze from Gerard to me.

"Frank, these pills will make you feel less anxious, it'll make you feel better."

"Until you've gone through having schizophrenia, and being too scared to be by yourself, to be in a quiet room, where there's nothing to listen to but those damned voices, then you don't have any right to tell me what will make me feel better."

"Frank, it's not a very good idea for you to keep switching pi-"

"Then I just won't take any until you decided to take me off of them.", I say, standing up, and walking out of the room.

As I walk back to the room, I shake my hands out, letting the tension leave my body. I never talk to people like that. I never talk to people, period.

Gerard walks in, a smile on his face.

"What?", I ask, sitting down on the bed.

"That was amazing."

I run my hands through my hair, "Not really."

"You stood up for yourself, you used your own voice.", he says, sitting down next to me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"I'm proud of you.", he says, kissing the side of my neck.

I smile, and turn around, meeting his lips with my own. He pulls my small body into his lap, and deepens the kiss. I find my hands under his shirt.

"Your hands are cold.", he says heavily against my lips.

"Shut up.", I say, reattaching my lips to his neck.

He giggles, and lets out a small moan. I blush a little, but luckily, he doesn't see. I kiss his lips again, and then along his jawline.

"Uh, Gerard...do you...do you really want to?"

He nods, and continues to kiss me, but I pull away, "You sure?"

He smiles, and nods.

"Ok.", I say, slipping my shirt off, and he doing the same to his.

"I love you, Frank.", he says through heavy breaths.

"I love you too."

*

As I look in the mirror, I let a smile form on my face. The look was so foreign, it scared me a little. People shouldn't be afraid of the way they looked when they smiled, it just yet it again shows how messed up my brain is.

I let a frown fall back onto my face, as I splash it with cold water, trying to wake myself up.

That was my first time, and although it hurt a little, and we were both unsure of exactly what to do, it was fun, and exciting. I haven't felt that way in a long time, and it's even better because it was with Gerard, the only person on this planet I actually trust.

Doing stuff like this, it made me feel a little bit more normal. Most teenagers my age go out and party, they dance with their friends, they listen to music with the windows rolled down as they're driving down the road, they have sex. They don't have to worry about taking their medication, and wether it's going to make them better or not. They don't have to be hospitalized because people are afraid of what they're going to, or is capable of doing.

A piece of hair falls on my face and I brush it away with shaky hands. I look at my reflection again, before tears start to fall down as I realize I'll never be able to live like a normal teenage.

"Frank?", comes a soft voice.

The door opens slightly as his head pokes in.

"Oh god, are you ok?"

He walks over, cupping my face in his hands.

"Did I...did I hurt you? Did you not want to do it? Oh god, I'm so sorry Frank. Whatever I did wrong, I'm sorry."

"No, no. It's not you Gerard. You did nothing wrong, I swear. I liked it, I wanted it."

His breathing calms down a little.

"Then why are you crying?"

"I just, I just realized how I'll never be able to live a normal life as a teenager. I'll never know what it's like to do the crazy things we're suppose to do at this age. I just want to be normal. It's not fair.", I say, breaking down again, in his arms.

"Hey, hey, it's ok.", he says, rubbing my back.

"Why do I have to be me? Why can't I just be like everyone else?"

He sits down on the floor, letting me sit in between his legs, curled up against his chest.

"You know, most people will tell you that being different is good, and that's what people always told me, but honestly, I wish I could be normal too, but things are just unfair most of the times. Someone has to take the other end of the stick, if it weren't us, it had to be someone else, and I don't know, maybe it's selfish, but I'm glad it was you and me, because I don't think I'd want anyone else. Of course I don't mean I want you to go through this but..."

I kiss his neck, showing him I understand what he's trying to say, because I'f were all being honest here, I'm glad it was him and not someone else who was holding me right now.

"But you know, we could make the most out of this. And you know Frank, like I said before, you're not going to be stuck here forever. You still have four years left before you're 21, and you're not going to spend those years here, I know that. Because you're going to get better, and I'm going to help you get better. "

I smile, and although he can't see my face, I'm sure he knows the words mean everything to me. I tighten my hold around his neck, and he does the same to his arms around my waist.


	16. Chapter 16

"How did you manage to get this?", I ask, staring at the phone in his hands.

"I made friends with one of the nurses, and she said she'd let me borrow it for the afternoon. It took a lot of begging, but it was worth it. She disabled most of the stuff though, like calling, and texting, but that doesn't matter, because I just wanted to listen to music off of it."

I smile, as he leads me down the stairs and into the garden in the back of the hospital. No one goes to this garden because supposedly, somebody jumped off the building and died here. I know it was just rumors though.

"This is a nice place. It's a shame it doesn't get visited more.", I say.

"Yeah.", he says as he pulls me down onto the grass.

The sky was already dark, and there was only two lamp posts out here, making the garden really dark, but it was nice. It was quiet.

"She listens to the same kind of music I listen to, so that was cool.", he says, sitting down next to me.

He starts to play some song I've never heard before, but it was quite good and I liked it. He sets the phone down between us, and turns around so he's facing me.

"I thought it'd be nice to listen to some music, like normal teenagers. I wish they'd let you bring ipods in here. Music was the only thing that made me happy at home."

He sings along to the words, not missing a beat, and his body relaxes.

"Do you like it?", he asks.

I nod, "I never really listened to music at home. I never really did a lot of things."

I look down, a little embarrassed. What kind of teenager doesn't listen to music at the loudest volume, just to piss of their parents?

"I guess, it kinda scared me. I mean, even though I knew it was a song, and just the singer singing, it was someone else's voice, and me being me, and having the thing I have, it kinda scared me."

He gives me a sympathetic look, and skips to the next song.

"I love this song, but it's really sad.", he says.

As the song starts playing, he starts singing along again, except much louder this time.

"I never conquered, rarely came   
16 just held such better days  
Days when I still felt alive  
We couldn't wait to get outside  
The world was wide, too late to try  
The tour was over we'd survived  
I couldn't wait till I got home  
To pass the time in my room alone  
I never thought I'd die alone  
Another six months I'll be unknown  
Give all my things to all my friends  
You'll never step foot in my room again  
You'll close it off, board it up  
Remember the time that I spilled the cup  
Of apple juice in the hall  
Please tell mom this is not her fault"

He opens his eyes as he finishes his singing, and they meet mine. His cheeks turn red and he drops his gaze.

"Sorry, it's just a beautiful song."

"No, I like it when you sing, and this song...it's amazing."

He looks up again, a smile on his face. He leans over and kisses me on the lips.

"When we get out of here, I'm taking you to all the concerts."

"I've never been to a concert.", I say.

"It's the best thing ever. It was the only thing that ever made me feel alive. The feeling you get when the band plays your favorite song, and the entire crowd is singing, it feels amazing."

"Really? Just listening you talk about it, it sounds amazing."

He smiles at me again, and then lays down. I follow him, and lay down next to him. The grass is a little damp, and I can feel the water seeping through my shirt, but I don't mind, it feels kinda nice.

He takes my hand in his, and we just lay there, on the grass, listening to music as we stare at the sky, making plans for later.

I smile.


	17. Chapter 17

Gerard's POV

"Thanks for letting me borrow your phone.", I say, handing the device back.

Lindsey smiles, taking it, and slipping it into her pocket.

"Why'd you need it?"

"I told you, to listen to music."

"Yeah, but... you never asked to listen to music before?"

"I thought you just started working here?"

"Well, I asked around to see if you've ever asked to do this kinda thing before."

I sigh, "I really wanted to show Frank."

And if I'm not mistaken, I see her smile drop, and her body tense.

"So you and Frank. Are you guys...?"

I feel my heart rate pick up. If they knew, they're going to move one of us, and I can't have that happening.

"No, of course not."

She rolls her eyes, "I'm not going to tell anyone"

And even though I kinda trust her, I still can't risk it. There's cameras around here, and even thought they don't record sounds, you never know who could be around the corner.

"Nope, there's nothing going on between us."

She raises her eyebrow, "I don't think there's anything special about him anyways. He's just a crazy patient."

"Hey, don't say that about him.", I say, my voice picking up.

She smirks, "I knew it."

I sigh, letting my guard drop a little, "There's nothing going on between us. He's just a friend, my only friend, and the only person I care about, don't talk about him like that."

Her face suddenly turns sympathetic, "You know I don't actually mean it."

I run my hand through my hair, "Yeah, I know."

"Gerard?", c0mes a familiar voice.

My ears pick up, and I turn around, walking towards the sound.

"Frank?"

As I'm about to turn the corner, someone walks into my chest. He automatically recoils, and is about to fall over, but I catch him at the last second.

"Hey! Get your hand off of me, please!", he shouts frantically.

"Hey Frank, it's just me, Gerard. It's ok."

He looks up, "Gerard?"

I smile at him, and he smiles back.

"Sorry, I just...you scared me. I was waking around the entire hospital, looking for you."

He presses his face against my chest, and I hold onto him a little tighter.

"Sorry, I should have told you where I was going to go before you left for your session. I was talking to Lindsey. Remember? The nurse who let me borrow her phone?"

"Oh right.", he mutters.

I turn around, and as I expected, Lindsey is giving me a knowing look. I blush a little, but don't say anything.

"Thanks for the phone again, but I think I'm going to take Frank back. I'm sure he's tired.", I say, looking to the boy next to me.

He nods, yawning.

"No problem, and since I'm your guy's new nurse, don't hesitate to ask me for anything.", she says, turning back to doing whatever she was doing before I stopped her.

I close our door gently behind me as Frank falls onto the bed.

"Why are you so tired? Did you not sleep last night?"

He shakes his head, "I had a nightmare."

"You should've woken me up."

He shakes his head again, "You were finally sleeping, I didn't want to wake you up."

I sigh, and sit down next to him on the bed, and kiss him on the cheek, wrapping my arms around his waist.

"I've been sleeping a little better than normal, if you have another nightmare, please, wake me up. It terrifies me when I find out you were alone by yourself."

He wasn't phsyically alone since I was always right next to him, ever since we got together, we've been sleeping in the same bed, but he was mentally, and that's even worse.

"Promise me?", I ask, kissing him on the cheek again.

He sighs, "Ok, I promise."

"Ok, now c'mon. Let's go to sleep."


	18. Chapter 18

I had been good for a few weeks now. I hadn't had an episode, or any panic attacks, and I finally thought I was getting better. But it was coming back. I can feel myself getting mor anxious. I'm so afraid, and I don't even know what I'm afraid of.

I pick at the bandages on my arm. The wounds have healed, but there were still scabs. I continue to pick at it as I feel my breathing grow shorter.

"Gerard?", I breathe out, but he's not in the room.

Where could he be? Was he at his therapy session.

-No. He's leaving you. He already left. You're alone again, Frank. You're alone.-

*  
Gerard's POV

The doctor waves me away. I stand up, and walk out of the room, starting the short walk back to where I left Frank an hour ago. I didn't like leaving him alone, especially on the days where I had my hour long sessions.

"Gerard!", I hear someone shout my name.

I turn around, surprised that for the first time, those words weren't from Franks mouth. Lindsey waves at me, and I walk over.

"Hey.", I say.

She waves, and sends me a flashy smile.

"How'd your session go?", she asks.

I shrug, "There all the same."

She laughs, even though nothing I said was really that funny. She's probably just trying to be nice to me.

"Uh, do you know when Frank has his next sessions?"

"Um, I think at eight tomorrow.", I say.

Frank is still waiting for me.

"Hey, I got to go. Frank's waiting for me back in the room, and I don't want him to get too worried or scared."

She sighs, "Does he get...freaked out a lot?"

I don't like it when the nurses call his episodes 'freaking out'. It's like they're mocking him, or making it seem like less of a problem.

"He just likes having someone familiar around him, you know? He doesn't like being somewhere he doesn't feel safe in, no one does, so he likes it when I'm around."

"Don't you get tired of it though? I mean, you're always having to sensor yourself around him, and be extra careful about every thing."

"I don't mind. Frank never tires me.", I say, suddenly getting a little defensive.

She sighs again, "Ok. I'll see you around then. Don't forget, lunch is in an hour."

I nod, "Ok. Bye."

As I'm walking back to my room, I feel my body being pulled closer to the ground. The hallway seems longer, and my room seems a little farther away. It's like my foot's stuck in quick sand, because I can't seem to move them. The room suddenly goes dark, and I feel the cold tile pressed against my cheek.

*

My heads pounding when I open my eyes, and the lights are blinding me as I sit up. I groan out.

"Hey.", someone says from besides me.

I turn to look at the source of the sound, and Lindsey is sitting on a chair that's pushed up against the wall. I look around the room, hoping to see someone else, but she's the only one there.

At least it's not one of the other nurses.

"Hey.", I say, smiling lightly.

"You passed out when you were walking back to your room. You hit your head pretty hard."

I reach my hand up to my head, and I can feel the bandages wrapped around it tightly.

"You started bleeding too.", she says.

"Why did I...pass out?", I say, my throat feeling really dry.

I turn around, looking for some water, but there's no source of any liquid in the room.

"'The doctor said you didn't get enough sleep. When was the last time you had a good night's sleep anyways?"

I shrug, "Where's Frank."

Her smile drops, and she redirects her eyes to the clock, "He should be back from his session soon. Another ten or so min-"

Suddenly, the door opens, cutting her off. Frank runs into the room, and over to me.

"I'm so sorry, Gerard. I wanted to be here when you woke up, but I had to go to my stupid session.", he says as he jumps onto the bed, and wrap his arms around my neck.

"Hey.", I say groggily.

He pulls away, looking at me with concern in his eyes, "Do you need some water? I'll get you some water. I'll be right back.", he says, running back out of the room just as quick as when he came in.

"He's really...jumpy.", she says.

I hear a small tone of disapproval but I ignore it.

"Yeah, I like it when he's like that, it means he's ok. I like it when he's ok."

Frank walks back into the room, a cup in his hand, and a smile on his face. I can't help but smile back too. He hands it to me and I great fully drink the entire cup in less then a minute.

I make grabby hands at him, and he finally obliges, crawling into my side, and letting me wrap my arms around him.

"How long have I been asleep?", I ask.

"About two days. I was scared you weren't going to wake up."

"I wouldn't leave you.", I say, kissing his cheek.

"I've been keeping you up with my nightmares, haven't I? That's why you passed out? I'm sorry, I won't wake you next time."

"Hey, it's not your fault."

"You told me you were getting sleep."

"I- I have...just not a lot."

"I'm sorry.", he says again.

His body shakes slightly in my arms, and I hold onto him tighter, "It's not your fault, and I'm better. I'll have them give me those sleeping pills, ok?"

He holds onto me tighter, "You said those sleeping pills make your head hurt when you wake up."

"I'll be fine."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry, none of this is your fault.", I say a little sternly.

He doesn't reply after that, but I know he still thinks it's his fault. I kiss him on the cheek, and rub his arm.

"I-I'm gonna go. Gerard, when you feel better, you can head back to your room. Just tell the nurse at the front.", Lindsey says, and again, I hear that small tone of disapproval.

After she walks out of the room, Frank sits up and hug his knees close to his chest.

"I don't think she likes me.", he says into his knees.

I sit up, setting my hand on his back, "Of course she does, she's just tired cause she's been watching me."

"No, I mean...she wouldn't let me stay in here, even though the doctors said I could. I've just been sitting in the day room for the past two days, praying you were alright."

What? She wouldn't let Frank stay in the room. I'm sure it's just some misunderstanding, and she didn't know that the doctor said it was ok. I mean, when Frank hurt his head, it took a lot of begging from me to let them let me stay in the room.

"She said you were here earlier though?"

"She did?", he asks, turning around to look at me.

I nod, "When I woke up, she told me you were here earlier but had to leave for your session."

"I don't know how she knew that, because she wasn't here when I was. Another nurse was here and let me stay."

I'm so confused, why would Lindsey lie about something like this.

"Maybe the nurse that was waiting with me told her when they switched off. That's what they do when the nurses watch us in the day room.", he says.

Yeah. That makes sense.


	19. Chapter 19

Gerard's POV

"I'm glad you'e back. It was lonely here by myself, I was so scared.", Frank says, curling up to me in our bed, back in our room.

"Did you have any nightmares?", I ask, stroking his hair.

He stays silent.

"Frank.", I say, even though his silence answered my question.

I stop stroking his here, but he let's out a small whimper, "I like it when you do that."

I slip my hand back into his hair, and continue the stroking motion.

"I haven't slept since you fainted.", he whispers.

"What?! You haven't slept in two days?"

"I couldn't sleep because of the nightmares...and because I wanted to know what you go through every day?"

I sigh, "Frank you can't do that."

"But you have to do it all the time."

"Yes, but not sleeping for a long period of time can make you...see things that aren't really there, and..."

"And I'm already seeing things, and crazy. Yeah, I get it.", he says, turning around so that his back is pressed up against me.

I let out another strangled sigh, and set my hand on his shoulders to turn him around. He looks at me, like I'm the only person who can help him, and I look away, knowing I won't be able to.

"I didn't say you were crazy. I just don't want you to go through that. It's torture."

"Can we just sleep?", he asks, turning back around.

"Ok.", I say nodding.

I loosely wrap my arms around his waists, and he doesn't pull away. I tighten my hold a little more, and surprisingly, he snuggles closer. Frank gets hurt really easily, and he hates showing that, so I'm glad he's letting me hold him and comfort him for it.

I kiss his neck, "I really, really love you Frank."

"I know.", he whispers, "I love you too."


	20. Chapter 20

"I didn't know you liked to draw."

He smiles, not looking up from his masterpiece, "Not very good."

"Can I see when you're done? I know some people don't really like showing their work."

He finally looks up at me, and I can't help but to smile, and he mirrors.

"Of course you can."

I grin even wider, and he returns to drawing, a concentrated look on his face.

I feel someone's hands on my shoulder, and quickly draw back. I look up to see a boy I've seen around here, but never bothered to much attention too. I don't talk to any of the patience here except for Gerard, so I never bothered to learn names.

"So I heard there's a man following you around.", he says.

I swallow hard, feeling my heart rate begin to pick up.

"Hey, is there something you want from him.", Gerard asks, standing up.

"Nothing, I'd just want to know if someone saw a guy following me."

No, no, it's not real. That's what the doctors say, that what the psychiatrists all say. It's because of what I have, it's not real. No ones following me.

"Please just g-", Gerard starts, but someone cuts him off.

"Gerard?", a woman's voice shouts.

I look up to him, not wanting him to go, but his nurse, Lindsey, walks over to us, "The doctor wants to see you."

"Uh, can it wait beca-"

"He wants to see you now."

Gerard looks back to me, and tears are threatening to spill, but he can't say no, or else the doctors will come get him themselves, and no one wants that.

"Just please, leave him alone. Go back to the room or something Frank.", he says, setting a hand on my shoulder, before he follows Lindsey back out.

The boy sits down next to me. I stand up, but he grabs my wrist, hard. I can see my arm trembling in his grip, and I feel my knees shaking.

"Please, let go.", I stutter out.

He pulls me back onto the chair. I let out a small whimper form the fall, and the tight hold he has on me.

"They tell you you're crazy, don't they?", he asks, "Well you're not. They're just blind. I see them too, the dark shadows, and I hear the voices. It's all real."

Everything around me suddenly becomes still. I focus on every little detail. I turn around to look at each corner, but nothing's there. I turn back around, and breathe in, "There's nothing there. We are crazy...you're crazy.", I stammer out.

He laughs, "So they've got you on the pill? They're drugging you so that you can't see them either, making it easier for them to catch you."

As the words fall out of his mouth, I catch myself staring out of the corner of my eye, paranoid that if I looked away, and then looked back, someone would be standing there.

"Listen carefully, and you'll hear them laughing at you.", he says softly.

I strain my ears, and he's right! I can hear them!

"Please, please go away.", I say to both the voices and the boy.

My body begins to shake and I let the tears fall. He starts laughing too, and his laughter mixes in with the others, and reality is starting to slip away again. The tight hold around my wrist finally drops, and out of confusion to the suddenly bare feeling of my skin, I open my eyes I hadn't realized were closed. A nurse was pulling the boy away from me, but the laughing doesn't die down.

"Gerard?", I call out.

He's the only real thing I have. If he's here, I know everything's real. But he's not here. Am I already gone?

"Gerard, please.", I cry out, more tears falling.

Remembering that the nurse took him, I run out of the room, and down the halls, looking through each corner and door trying to find him.

"Gerard?!"

Someone shouts my name, but it's not his, so I keep looking. A pair of hands wrap around my shoulder, but again, they're not his, so I pull away, but it doesn't let go. I hear more noises, screaming, but I can't tell if they're mine or not.

I feel my body go limp, and the world around me fades out, and the last thing I see is the tile floor in front of me.

*  
Gerard's POV

"I thought I was seeing the doctor?", I say.

We've been going down a hall for for about two minutes now, and I don't recognize any of it. I'm pretty sure my doctors office is the other direction.

"We're here.", she says, stopping in front of a foreign door.

She opens it, and I walk inside. The lights are off, and no ones in it.

"This doesn't look li-"

Lindsey pushes me up against the closed door, and her lips are on mine. She frantically kisses me, and out of confusion, I kiss back. When everything starts to kick in, and I realize that I wasn't actually seeing a doctor, and I just left Frank alone, I push her off my body.

"W-what are you doing?!"

She rolls her eyes.

"Kissing you.", she says, before pushing back against me, and reattaching our lips.

Still kind of dazed, I don't do anything, letting her kiss me for a few seconds, before finally regaining control of my body.

"Lindsey, stop.", I stutter through kisses.

I can't help but kiss back, and I can't believe I'm actually allowing this to happen.

"Stop.", I say a little harder, but she doesn't move.

"Stop!"

I push her back, and she fumbles, falling onto the floor.

"Ow, fuck.", she mutters before standing back up.

"What the fuck was that?!", I say, trying not to shout, because someone may walk by any moment.

"What do you mean?", she asks, faking innocence.

"You know I'm with Frank, and you're my fucking nurse."

"So? Doesn't mean we can't still be together. Frank can't give you the things that I can. You'll never be able to be normal around him. He's going to drive you mad. You know, my mom worked with a schizo one time, it didn't turn out well for either of them. You're stepping on eggshells around him, and it's going to fall apart soon, especially when you leave, and he has to stay."

I glare at her, and if looks cool kill, she'd be dead. I thought she was cool. I thought I had another friend here beside Frank, but looks like I'm wrong.

"God, you're just like the rest of them. Does no one here think that maybe these 'patients' are actually people? They live, they breathe...the same fucking air you do. They think, they feel, and they hurt, a lot more than you guys ever will. We're no different from you guys. Yeah, we got a little fucked up in the process, some more than others, but that doesn't give you guys the right to talk about us like that, to have a fucking pedal-stool to stand on.

"Yeah, Frank is fucked up, a lot more than you, a lot more than me. He's definitely seen a lot more than you and me. His hearts been broken so many times. He's been told that he isn't loved by the people he loves the most, and the people who are suppose to love him the most too, and yet here he is, loving me with every bit of his heart, and letting me love him.

"He's going to hurt me, I know he will, and I'll hurt him too, and I think he realizes that also, but that's what love is. It's still wanting to be with each other after all the heartache, and pain, and the many more years of it to come. If he's going down, I guess I'm going to go down with him."

She doesn't say anything, and she doesn't try either, so neither do I. I turn around, walk out, and leave her behind in the dark room.

I walk back into the day room, but both Frank and the boy weren't there anymore. I walk over to the nurse, asking her where they went.

"They had to give Frank a shot, he was freaking out."

"W-what? Where is he right now? I have to go see if he's alright!"

"He's in his room, resting. You're not allowed-"

"I'm his roommate!"

She sighs, "Ok fine."

We walk down the hall, me at a quicker pace and her trailing behind me. My foot taps quickly against the floor as she opens the door. I swear she's purposely doing it as slow as she possibly can.

"Here you go.", she says, and walks away again.

I run inside, closing the door gently behind me, and rush over to where Frank's lying. He's on his side, staring at the wall, his arms wrapped tightly around him.

"F-Frank?"

Nothing. He doesn't move, doesn't acknowledge me, doesn't even look like he heard me.

"Frank.", I say again, this time with a clearer, louder voice.

Still, nothing.

I walk over and crouch down right in front of him, slowly raising my hand to caress his cheek. His eyes are open, but it doesn't look like he's looking at anything in particular, even when I'm in front of him. I bring my other hand up to gently shake his shoulder, but again, he doesn't budge. I sigh, dropping my hands.


	21. Chapter 21

Everything moves around me in a blur. Sounds are a distant murmur, and thinking hurts too much, so I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. I stare at the plate of food in front of me, debating wether I'm hungry or not, but like I said, it's all too hard, and I give up before I can come up with an answer.

I feel something against my arm but I'm not entirely sure what. I turn around and see Gerard. I try to draw a conclusion on that, but all I can come up with is that he's a nice boy whom I share a room with.

"You should eat something, Frank."

And I would reply, but just deciphering what he said was too much for me, and I couldn't muster up enough energy to say something back. I face forward again, trying to decide whether I should eat the food again.

*

Gerard's POV

"Whatever the fuck you guys did to him, he won't talk! He won't respond! He won't do anything! Fix him!", I shout, tears threatening to fall at any moment.

The doctor just sighs, like this is just another day of work, and Frank is another patient to him. Which he might be, but he doesn't need to be so obvious about it.

"Look, it'll wear off in time, and he'll be back to normal soon."

"That's all you have to say?!"

He shrugs, and I'm just seconds away from punching him in the face. I clench my t shirt, trying to stop myself from screaming at that idiot doctor. I'm usually good at controlling my emotions, which is ironic considering I'm bi polar, but after years of therapy, I've gotten the hang of it. But when it comes to Frank, I can't control myself. If I could, we wouldn't be together, and I wouldn't be like this right now.

I unclench my fist, and walk back to my room, slamming the door. It was a little act of rebellion, stupid but whatever.

I walk in and see that Frank is sitting on the edge of the bed, looking out through the window.

"Why do they block the outside world from us?"

I blink, un able to process what's happening. Frank's talking, he's actually talking! I want to just run up to him and hug him, but I'm afraid of scaring him, so I just pretend like I'm not dying on the inside.

I walk over to sit next to him, looking out the window myself. Our rooms are a few floors off the ground, and the walls around the hospital are built so tall we can only really see the sky, and the distant view of the waterline, but that's it. There's no way of seeing the tiny houses, and roads, and cars, and people, and life outside of this hospital.

"Because that's what's hurting us, out there."

He turns to face me, and I look at him, finally letting my expression break. His face is still straight and I can't help but let a few tears fall. He looks like he wants to say something, but his mouth remains closed.

"I'm sorry, I just missed you."

He turns around, facing the window again. I wipe the tear away and turn around to look at it myself. The sky's grey, like it usually is. I can tell that there is a slight breeze from the tress' shaking branch down in the court yard.

"My heads been really foggy. It finally cleared up a little, and thinking and talking isn't as hard to do, but...I still feel...weird."

I sigh, "The doctors said it should wear off. Are you ok?"

"I feel like you should know that answer by now. It's not like they don't ask us that question every single day."

I let out a small chukle. He smiles too. Then all of a sudden, I feel my lips start to tremble and in a mater of seconds, im on my knees, crying my eyes out. They're not exactly silent, but they're not thunderstorms either. I was biting my tongue trying to stop but the tears just kept coming.

"W-what's wrong, Gerard? "

"I just thought I lost you.", I say through hiccups.

There's shuffling, and then he sitting next to me. He puts one arm around my shoulder, and lays his head against me. I slide my hand around his waiste, and pull him onto me, so that I'm straddling him. His eyes close, and soon, he's being pulled down by sleep.

"Don't worry, they'll have to do more to sepperate us.", he says tiredly.


	22. Chapter 22

"Frank?"

I look up at the nurse motioning for me to comer over. Gerard sends me a smile, and nudges me to get up. I walk over, eyes trained on my feet.

"Yeah?"

"Your mom dropped this letter off for you."

My breathing stops.

"W-what?"

"Your mom mailed this to us for you."

I grab it slowly from her outstretched hands, and when it's firmly in mine, I want to drop it on the floor as if it was covered in poison. The nurse turns around and walks out of the room. I return to my seat next to Gerard.

"What is it?", he asks.

"My mom sent me a letter."

*

"T-That's great!", he says, kissing me on the cheek.

But after a few seconds of my silence, he adds, "Right?"

"I'm only getting better because you're here."

"That's not true. You've been participating in group, and you've been talking to the doctors more, too. And you take your meds, and the voices haven't been attacking you for a while. That's the definition of getting better here."

"You don't understand though, I can't go back there. I can't go back to the house Tom died in, I can't go back to the house I almost died in, and I can't go back to the person who gave up on me in the first place. I just can't, it'll be too much."

I bite my lips, trying to subside the urge to cry. I don't want to cry infront of Gerard, not right now, not when he sees me as this strong person who's capable of recovering.

"It's not a right away thing. They're not discharging you right away. They're just saying that if this continues, you can leave."

"I don't...I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"Cause I don't want to risk it, and...and I don't want to leave you. I won't be able to handle it, no matter how much medication and therapy they give me."

Gerard sighs, sitting down next to me, setting an arm around my shoulder. He takes the letter that's clutched in my hand, a little crumpled from my grasp, and sets it down on the floor.

"You'll get better, I know you will. You weren't born with this, ok? You suffered a lot of shit and trauma, and that's why you are the way you are right now. But they're helping you, as much as I hate them, they're doing a good job. You have a good therapist, Dr. Urie, and he's definitley better than the other one. Plus he finally got them to switch your meds, and they're finally working too.

And, I wasn't going to tell you this yet, but they're thinking about discharing me soon. Like a lot sooner than -"

I look up at him with worried eyes. I'm happy for him, I really am, he shouldn't be locked up here, but I'm so scared of being left alone. I'm so scared of being here without him.

I start panicking, drawing in quick breaths. He rubs my shoudler, trying to calm me down.

"Frankie, it's ok. I'm not leaving you, ok? I promise I won't do that, and I wouldn't want to either. It's just, they can't keep me here any longer. But I've been thinking about this for a while, and we were bound to leave this place sooner or later, and I've been talking to this old friend of mine who's willing to give me a job at his record store-"

"You've been talking to a friend?"

"Yeah, his names Ray, and I didn't want to tell you yet because of the next part. He said he's willing to give me a place to stay, and a job until I can get a place of my own. His dad owns this apartment complex and he can give me really low deals, which means it'll only take me a few months before I can get out on my own. And I was going to ask you if you wanted...to move in with me after they discharge you. I was going to wait until they told you when they were thinking about letting you out."

I let out more heavy breaths because this is a lot to take in.

"You're asking me to move in with you before they've even let us out?"

"Well, they told me that...that they were going to discharge me in a few weeks."

I feel like throwing up. Even though they said I was getting better, they said it will probably still be months before they could even consider discharge dates, that means I'll be here alone.

"What date?"

"Well they...haven't exactly told me when -"

"Gerard, please."

He sighs, "The thursday three weeks from now. The eightteenth. But I'll come and see you all the time, I promise I will, and as soon as you get discharged, you can move in with me, and I'll take care of you. This isn't the end."

"I don't think I can do it without you.", and this time, I let the tears fall.

"You have to, Frankie. You have to get better, so that they can discharge you. Don't do this for me, but just use us as a little encouragement."

"I'm scared."

"I know, me too. But I love you, and I have faith in you, and I know you'll get better, and I'll be here for you."

"Ok."

*

The days leading up to Gerard's discharge is fast and confusing. I ask Dr. Urie if we can have more sessions, and he agrees happily. I haven't had an attack for a while, but I feel like it's creeping up on me, ready to pounce on me any second.

"Now Frank, I know you're scared about being on your own for a while, but I've been talking to Gerard, and he says he'll be visiting alot and...he's a good kid."

"You're not going to tell anyone about what's going on between us? I'm sure you know."

He chuckles, "I'm not. You make each other happy, and although we're not alowed to let pateints meet outside of here, I can't really stop you guys and I don't want to either. It'll be hard, but I think you guys will work."

I smile at him, and he does the same.

"Ok, sessions over. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks, Dr. Urie."

Dr. Urie came in the week after my old doctor was fired. Apparently he was giving patience more drugs, or non prescribed drugs to them for money. I'm glad he was let go, I really hated that guy. But then in came Brendon Urie, and he's seriously one of the greatest person ever. He cares, I can tell he really does. He listens, and he doesn't jump to conclusions, and he's just great. He's the main part of my fast recovery.

I walk out of the room, closing the door gently behind me, and Gerard's leaning against the wall next to the door. His face lights up as he sees me and it feels like there's a million butterflies in my stomach.

"Hey.", he says, beaming.

We walk to the room silently, and it's not until our door closes that he's pushing me up against it. His lips trail down my jaw, and then to my neck, making my breathing go heavy.

"I missed you.", he purrs.

"It was only forty five minutes."

"Yeah, but I missed you."

"You're gonna miss me a lot more then, when you're gone."

I didn't mean to sound so upset, and I was hoping he didn't notice, but of course, he did. He stops the kissing, and let's out a heavy sigh. His warm breath tickles my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. All of a sudden, the rooms too small for me to breathe, and I'm starting to choke on my own breath.

"Frank?"

He looks up, noting my obvious distress. He takes my hand and leads me over to the bed. I sit down, setting both my hands on my knees. I try to regulate my breathing, but nothing helps. I'm having a panic attack, and my shaking hands shake my legs.

"W-what's wrong? Did I do something? I'm sorry. I didn't meant to push you, I know you don't like too much touching."

"No, I don't...I don't know what's...what's wrong.", I say through gasps.

I draw my legs close to my body. There's nothing I can do about panic attacks except for to just wait it out. After a few minutes, that felt like hours, my breathing levels out. My entire body finally relaxes. The air is tense and silent until Gerard speaks.

"Did I do something wrong? Was it the kissing? I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to push you. I know we've done it before, but...I'm sorry."

I look up and see that he's silently crying.

"No, it's not that. I've just been freaking out about you leaving. I'm scared.", I say as quietly as I can.

I lay my head down on his shoulder, silent tears falling onto his t shirt. I don't know how long I'm going to be here, how long I'm going to be away from Gerard. Will he even want to come back to a place like this, even if it is to visit me?

"Frank, please listen to me, ok? I'm not leaving you. Yes, physically, I'll be gone, but I'm going to visit all the time, and as soon as you get discharged, you're moving in with me. I love you."

"But you'll be out there, and I'll be in here, and I don't know how long I'll be in here, and I can't ask you to wait forever. You'll meet people, you'll make new friends, maybe even meet a new boy, or girl, who'll give you more things than I can."

"No, I don't want them, I want you."

"You don't know that. You'll meet someone, and you'll forget all about me. You've been cooped up here too long."

"Frank, I want to tell you something, ok, and I don't want you to say anything until I'm completely finished."

I nod, noting how serious his face became. He takes a shaky breathe, and pulls away slightly, awkwardly adjusting his body so that it was facing me, however, he doesn't meet my eyes.

"I told you how I never told anyone about what my dad did to me, right? Well the guy I was dating a while back...I told him. We'd been dating for a year, I thought he was my soul mate. I was convinced we'd spend the rest of our lives together, but then...he just left. I told him, and he was disgusted with me. This was a few weeks after we had...sex, for the first time. It wasn't the first time for me," his voice breaks a little, but he just continues on, "but it was the first for him. He couldn't even look at me. He broke up with me on the spot, and a few days later...I got...raped by his friend behind the school."

My jaw drops, "W-what?"

"Yeah. He was mad that I took his virginity, and that he had sex with someone used, and disgusting. I didn't think I'd ever be ok after that. I mean, how many times can a person be sexually violated before they just completely break? But that's not the point.

My point is, no one could touch me. No one could speak to me. No one could even wave at me without me flinching, or wanting to scream, or throwing up. But you, you come in here, and you're this amazing thing that I fall in live with the moment I see you. I never, for a second, thought that you were going to hurt me. And I just...sometimes you see someone, and you just know. I know, Frank. I'm not leaving you."

I smile, and lean up, kissing him gently on the lips.

"I know."


	23. Chapter 23

The nurse brings out a cake, setting it gently on the table. Pretty napkins, and plates are set out neatly in a stack next to it. In the cake writes, "Good luck, Gerard!"

Frank is standing next to Gerard, one of the biggest smiles he's ever worn on his face. Their shoulders are touching, and that means all the world to them. They both know that by this time tomorrow, Gerard will be gone, and Frank will be alone again. And he's still not sure how he feels about that yet, but he's trying not to for now.

The nurse cuts the cake with a knife, and quickly wraps it back up, and brings it out of the room. Another nurse steps in, putting the perfectly cut pieces on plates, enough for everyone, and Frank helps pass it out.

Honestly, if Gerard could choose, he wouldn't have any of these people here. The only person he'd want to be with on his last two days here is Frank, and he wants to show him that, but Gerard has a feeling he already knows.

Balloons are taped to the walls around the room. One of the boy's staring at it, poking at it with his fork. Hopefully someone stops him before it pops, and the party gets ruined. Or maybe, no one stop him, because the faster this party ends, the faster Frank and Gerard can be left alone in their room, Gerard thinks.

"Frank.", he whispers into his ear.

"Yeah?", he whispers quietly back.

"You know I love you?"

Frank giggles, "Yeah."

And while the nurse isn't looking, Gerard pecks him quickly on the cheek.


	24. Chapter 24

Tears stream quickly down Franks' cheek. Gerard's only been gone for an hour, and he's already feeling it. The room is so empty without him. It feels like someone's put a bag of bricks in his stomach, causing him a stomachache.

He wipes at his nose and his cheek until the skin becomes hot and irritated. But he doesn't even stop then. He rubs at his face, trying to keep the hurtful thoughts away. Frank's trying so hard to grasp at strings, strings of memories, like the way Gerard laughed, or the way he smiled.

Hot tears roll down even faster, burning his skin. He realizes he's been rubbing so hard, he's started bleeding, and then he panics even more.

He screams into the empty room, wanting to fill it with anything, even if it's just noise. He hits the walls, bangs his head against it.

"Come get me! Come get me now, why don't you!", he screams into the dark room.

But no black figures show up. There's no voices, and he realizes just how truly alone he is. Even those stupid, menacing laughs aren't there to keep him company.

"Please! Take me away!", he screams louder, banging his head against the wall even harder.

*

Frank wakes up in another room. It's familiar enough, though. He's been in here more than once, he concludes, when he sees the nurses desk, and the other three hospital beds spaced evenly apart.

He looks down, gasping in horror when he sees that bandages cover his entire wrist, all the way up to his elbow. His face feels hot and stiff, and his eyes are puffy, and dry.

"Frank?"

Frank jumps, unaware of the fact that someone else was in the room with him. He turns towards the voice, and Dr. Urie is sitting there, sleep still foggy in his eyes.

He smiles a gentle a smile, the only genuine on he's seen since Gerard. And then tears are filling his eyes again as his thoughts wonder back to him. If Gerard was still here, he'd be in here, waiting for Frank to wake up. In fact, he wouldn't even be in here, but this is out of Gerard's control. He didn't do anything.

Frank wipes at his eyes, letting out a small whimper of pain.

"Hi, Dr. Urie."

"Brendon. Just call me Brendon."

"Is that very professional though?"

Dr. Urie wasn't old. He was probably around his early twenties.

"Screw professional. Think of me as your friend."

"But you're not, you're my doctor."

"Well, when we're not in my office, I'm your friend. Ok?"

Frank smiles, "Ok."

"Great. Now, Frank, you did some serious damage. Your head was pretty banged up, and you were scratching at your arms and face. Luckily, it's nothing scaring, although the heads going to take a little time to heal."

"Did this put a set back in my release date?"

Brendon sighs, "If you continue to get better, no. We all relapse. It's natural in the recovery process, and the only bad thing it does is give you a bad mind set. Forget about what happened last night. It's in the past, and we're working towards the future."

Frank nods, picking up every word.

"So, Frank, can you tell me what happened last night?"

Frank sighs, picking at the ends of the bandages on his arm.

"I just...it suddenly hit me how lonely I was. Before, I was used to it, I was ok with being forgotten, alone, but after Gerard, after his company and affection, I just couldn't handle the silence. There was so much room on that single bed, and I just couldn't cope. I'm sorry."

Brendon sets his hand on his knee.

"It's ok. You can sleep on the couch in my office tonight, if you'd like?"

"W-what?"

"I have a blow up mattress, if you'd like that instead? One of us can take the couch, one the other the mattress."

"Why?"

"You said you felt lonely."

"But...I can't ask you to do that."

"I just want you to be ok."

Frank bites his lip, willing himself not to cry. His entire body shakes, and Brendon sighs.

"Let's call Gerard, ask him what's he up to. I'm sure he misses you."

Frank nods, thanking every single god (he doesn't believe but he just might tonight) that he got a doctor like Dr. Urie.

"C'mon."

Frank pushes himself off of the bed, his head going a little fuzzy. He sees circles in front of his eyes, but he ignores it, following Brendon out.

Brendons' office is cold, but Frank finds comfort in it. Brendon motions him to sit down on the couch, and he brings the phone over, dialing the number slowly.

Gerard gave Brendon his friends phone number before he left, telling him, "Please, Dr. Urie. If anything happpens, anything, call me. And here's the record store phone too, just in case I'm not home. Please take care of him."

It takes a few seconds before a familiar voice rings through the phone. Brendon lets out a sigh of relief.

"Hey, Gerard! It's Brendon."

He pulls the phone away from his ear when he hears the response, chuckling slightly.

"Yeah, Frank's here."

Frank perks up when he grabs the phone with aching hands.

"Frank?!"

"H-Hey Gerard."

"I miss you so much. Is everything ok?"

"Ye-", before he can finish, a wave of sobs come crashing back.

"Frank? What's wrong?"

"I miss you so much, Gerard. It's so lonely here."

"I know. I miss you so much too."

"Gerard? I have to tell you something... I hurt myself. I didn't mean to, I promise. I'm sorry, please don't be mad at me."

Brendons' heart breaks at the sight of the teenage boy in front of him.

"What? Frank, of course I'm not mad. I know it'll be hard. I'm coming in three days for visitation day. I love you, so much."

Frank smiffs, wiping at his nose, making a face when he remembers a little too late that his face wasn't in the best shape.

"What are you doing?"

"I um...I'm trying to get Pepper to stop biting my shoes."

"Pepper?"

His entire body relaxes a little when he hears laughter from the other end.

"Yeah, about that...I know you've always wanted a dog...and I just...yeah."

Frank can't help the smile spreading across his face.

"I love you."

"I miss you."


	25. Chapter 25

A year later.

"I'm sure he just caught up with work, and school. You know, he hasn't been out for almost two years.", Dr. Urie says.

"Yeah, but...he hasn't even been picking up his phone, and he hasn't come for visitations for two months.", Frank says with a tone of desperation.

"I don't blame him though. I told him he wouldn't be able to wait forever. There's nothing special about me, and there's tons of people out there better for him."

"Frank, you're leaving in four months, you can't just give up."

"I'm not, but I can't say the same for him."

*

Gerard sighs heavily as he sets the CDs in alphabetical order on the shelf. He was tired, so fucking tired. He had spent the past two days pulling all nighters, working on his stupid calculus work. At least that's what he wants to blame it on, not other things he has no energy to think about.

He lets out another yawn as he finishes putting the last cd on the shelf. He walks towards the front to make sure no one needed any assistance. It was just a habit anyways, he knew there wasn't anyone in the store. It was just him, it has only been him for a long time.

He starts to picture Frank's eyes, his lips, and the way his body curved into his touch.

He shakes his head, wanting to get rid of the thought and image. He hadn't seen Frank in a couple of months, he hasn't even talked on the phone with him. He hates himself for being such a coward, but he couldn't handle it. Franks' release date was still so far in the future, and he just couldn't stand it anymore. He missed sharing a bed with him, he missed holding him close. It was torture. And every time he saw him, it just reminded him even more that he couldn't have him. It was killing him so he stopped going.

He doesn't let himself think about how Frank must feel about all of this, he can't.


	26. Chapter 26

"Frank, hey!", Dr. Urie says when Frank enters the room.

"Hi.", Frank says softly, sitting down on the couch.

He didn't know why Brendon called him to his office, his last session was yesterday.

"Are you ok?"

Frank shrugs, "I don't...I don't know what I'm going to do. Tomorrow."

His entire body shivers, and within seconds, he's crying his eyes out.

"I-I don't know where I'm going to go. I can't go back to my...my home...and Gerard...he's..."

Frank doesn't finish, he just continues to cry into the sleeve of his jacket. Brendon hurries over, sitting down next to him, and setting an arm around him. Brendon was good at comforting Frank, he's the only one whose been able to do it since Gerard left.

"Frank, sh. It's ok. Listen, this is actually what I wanted to talk to you about."

Frank tries to stifle his tears, but that just makes them come on stronger. He's embarrassed that Brendon has to see him like this, but he appreciates that he doesn't let go, instead, he holds on tighter.

Soon, his cries slow down and the only thing that fills the air are the soft hiccups coming from Frank.

Brendon opens his mouth, ready to start speaking again.

"Look, you're going to be eighteen soon, Frank. And you'll be able to go anywhere you want. You know, you can stay wherever you choose. So I just wanted to offer you something, you know, until you can get back on your feet, until maybe you can get a hold of Gerard again."

Brendon thinks that maybe Frank is getting what he's trying to hint at, but it's Frank, who is he kidding?

"Frank, what I'm trying to say is, do you want to come stay with me?"

Frank's eyes grow big. His expression is unreadable. Brendon doesn't know what to make of it.

"W-What?"

"And think about it, you're going to need a lot of time to adjust to life outside of the hospital. It'll be hard, and I can be there to help you. I mean, I am a psychiatrist."

"I...I can't live with my psychiatrist."

"Well...you're not. You're living with your friend, who also just happens to have a degree in psychology."

Frank smiles. Maybe this will be good. After all, the two of them have grown so close, it really does feel like Brendon is his friend. The age difference is only a little but off anyways.

"So...you really want me to move in with you?"

He nods.

"But...I can't pay for anything. I won't have a job. I'm going to have to finish school."

"I know, Frank. I've thought about all of this before. I get paid more than enough for the both of us. It'll be fine."

"Don't you have a girlfriend, or a wife who won't want me being around?"

Brendon bites his lips, letting out an awkward laugh.

"Actually, I kinda have this crush on this guy who works at the bookstore I go to. I've been trying to convince him to go on a date with me. I think he secretly likes nice boys."

"So you're using me?"

"Well why else would I have you around at my house?"

Frank laughs.

"I'm just kidding, but I really want you to come. It'll be good for you."

Frank sighs, "Ok."


	27. Chapter 27

Frank stares at the empty room. It's been pretty empty the day he got here, that's just how all the rooms look. It's not like they can bring much anyways. But it just feels more empty now that he knows that he won't be coming back. Now that he knows that all the clothes are gone from the wardrobes. They're neatly packed in his suitcase.

He lets out a sigh, and takes one final look before he closes the door. One of the nurses leads him down the hall. All the other patients are leaning out of the room to watch him leave. They were all getting ready for bed. Some waved goodbye, and some just stared.

He tried making friends, but he couldn't. So yeah, he didn't feel too bad leaving all these people. He honestly doesn't know how he lived here for two years without socializing with any of these people.

When they get down to the end of the hall, Brendon is busy signing and printing out release forms. Everyone figured out that Dr. Urie was taking one of the patients home, but they didn't know who until this morning. No one's questioning it though, and Franks mom never called to say no, even though she was given the date of Frank's release .

Brendon thinks it's rather cruel. They couldn't have even called to see if he would have a place to go if he wasn't allowed to go back home. Brendon doesn't mention this to Frank though, although he's sure he's figured it out anyways.

Brendon looks up when Frank arrives, and he sends him a smile. His eyes have bags underneath them, and he looks so tired, but he also looks happy. Frank's never felt this kinda love before. With Gerard, it was a romantic, best friend kinda love. With Brendon, it's the kinda love you're suppose to get from your mom.

Frank suddenly walks up to Brendon, and before he properly thinks of what he's doing, he hugs Brendon, so, so tight.

"Thank you so much.", he says.

Brendon smiles, and hugs him back.

Frank pulls away, not bothering trying to hide the smile on his face. Brendon finishes up the last of the paper works, and puts them neatly in a file. He stuffs the copied ones into his backpack, and hands the nurse the original ones.

"Make sure the mother gets this.", he says.

He turns to Frank, offering a hand for the bags, but Frank just shakes his head.

"Well, c'mon, it's time to see the outside world."

*

Frank keeps to himself for the first few days. It's all over whelming, and he can't find a way to handle of it. He kinda just cries into his pillow for the first two nights, but he finally gets as grip on the third. It's not a firm one, but he's hanging, barely, but hanging.

Frank's sitting on the couch, taking one of the online courses that Brendon signed him up for. He also got Frank his own laptop, and Frank was hesitant on accepting it at first, but Brendon wasn't going to return it, and he finally took it.

Brendon wonders over, sitting next to Frank.

"So...I need to ask you a question."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Wanna go see Gerard tomorrow?"


	28. Chapter 28

Franks' hands are slightly shaking when he pulls the doors open. He has his hoodie on, and is hiding behind Brendon.

"Frank, c'mon. You're not going to let him see you like this, are you?"

Frank sighs, "I haven't seen him in over six months. I really haven't seen him in a year, if you want to be honest. A thirty minute phone call once every few weeks doesn't really count."

"Do you really blame him though?"

"No. No, of course not, bu-"

"Hello! Can I help you guys with anything to-...Dr. Urie?"

Franks heart expands at the sound of that voice. He doesn't bring himself to look up though, afraid that he would disappear if he did.

"Hey, Gerard."

"What are you doing here?"

Frank can here the smile in his voice. Obviously he hasn't noticed Frank yet.

"Well I ugh...I have someone here who wants to see you."

"What? Wh-"

Frank's about to look to see why he stopped, but before he can, someones arms are around him. He hears crying, and he's not sure if it's his own, or the others. He really doesn't care.

"Frank. Frank, jesus christ. Oh my god. Frank, I love you. I fucking love you. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Frank doesn't know what to do. Gerard is panicking in front of him, and he doesn't know what to do.

"Frank? Oh god, I'm sorry. Sorry.", Gerard rushes out.

He steps away, letting Frank breathe, but his hands never leave his arm. Gerard's in ass, he knows he is. He was selfish, and he's being selfish again, but he doesn't care, because Frank is finally here, in his arms.

Frank takes a few more deep breaths before he looks up again, his body slightly shaking. He's not sure if it's out of anxiety, or excitement. He's sure it's the ladder though.

"Gerard? Are you...You're....You're really here?",Frank whispers out.

He nods, and leans in, kissing Frank on the forehead gently.

"Yes, I'm here. I'm sorry. I missed you so much. I love you. I love you, Frank."

"So...So you didn't find someone else?"

Gerard's face pours with confusion.

"What?"

Frank blushes, "I mean, you haven't been visitng...and I thought, I thought you..."

Gerard's eyes grow wide. Of course he'd think that. He can't imagine how he's been feeling, thinking that Gerard left him. Actually left him.

"No. No, of course...of course I didn't. I'd never...I just."

He sighs.

"I didn't come because...God, this is going to sound so selfish...I didn't come because it just hurt so much. I couldn't stand seeing you for only thirty minutes once every few weeks. It was killing me. I didn't know when you were going to get discharged, and I hated the feeling of leaving without you. I'm so sorry."

Frank grabs both his hands, tangling them together the way he's been dreaming of doing forever.

"I'm kinda glad you did. It hurt me so much too. Although a heads up would've been nice."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that."

"But I am. I don't know how to make it up to you."

"You being here, with me, is already good enough for me. Ok?"

Gerard takes one look at the boy in front of him, and his heart goes light. Not one day has gone by where he hasn't thought about that smile, and he was starting to kinda forget, but now, now Frank's in front of him again, smiling that stupid smile.

He's falling all over again.

He leans in, kissing Frank on the lips.

"Ok."


	29. Chapter 29

"When did you leave?"

"Maybe a week ago?", Frank says.

Gerard's hands freezes. He was putting the money away into the register.

"What?", Frank asks.

"Why didn't you call me?"

Frank looks at his shoes, biting his lips.

"I didn't think you'd pick up."

"God, I'm so sorry, Frank. I should have been there. Where did you even go?"

"I've been staying with Brendon."

"What? You mean...Dr. Urie?"

Frank nods.

"I didn't know you guys were...close."

Frank rolls his eyes, "He was just being nice. He's been really great to me. He's kinda like the mom I never had."

Gerard smiles, just glad to see that Frank's happy. He leans over the counter, setting his elbows on it, and stroking Frank's cheek slowly. Frank leans into it, closing his eyes.

The bell rings, startling the both of them.

"Sorry, we're closed.", Gerard says.

"Oh, too bad."

Frank smiles, already knowing who it was.

"Hey, Brendon."

Brendon walks over, draping his arm over Franks shoulder. It still makes Gerard a little uncomfortable, but Frank thinks he can suck it.

"We have to go back, but I'll make sure to drop Frank off tomorrow."

Gerard begins to protest, but ends up closing his mouth when Frank gives him a glare. Yeah, he really can't argue with Brendon. After all, he has been taking care of him, offering Frank a place to stay, and eat.

Gerard walks over, giving Frank a tight hug, and a small kiss.

"I love you. I'll see you tomorrow."


	30. Chapter 30

Franks hands are shaking slightly. He has his sleeves pulled up to his hand, playing with the hem of it. His sneakers make a small squeaking noise as he walks down the hall. These must be newly polished, he thinks.

When he stops in front of the door, he can hear barking from the other side, and a slightly flustered Gerard. He lets out a chuckle, and raises his hand to knock on the door. He hears another crash, and more barking before the door is pulled open. Gerard's cheeks are tinted red, as if he's been short of breath.

He smiles at Frank.

"Hey. I thought you were coming later."

"Oh. I'm sorry. Brendon had to go to the hospital, so he dropped me off early. I can just... I can just wait outside."

Gerard rolls his eyes, laughing.

"No, I'm glad you're here, I missed you."

He pulls Frank in, closing the door behind them with his hip.

"Is that the only bag you have?"

He nods, "Yeah. It's the bag I took to the hospital."

"Oh. Well, great."

An awkward silence fills the air. Frank looks around the apartment. It looks...normal. There's a brown couch in the middle of the room. It looks old, like it's been bought from a thrift store, but it looks comfortable. There's a coffee table, and a tv in front of it.

Frank decides that he likes normal. He's never had normal, but if this is it, he likes it.

Something cold and wet against Frank's ankle makes him jump, letting out a small yelp.

Gerard giggles, "Right. This is...this is Pepper."

Franks face lights up, and he drops his bag, bending down to pet the dog. Pepper crawls into his lap, licking his face. Frank lets out short laughs.

"So?", Gerard asks.

"So...?"

"I mean, what do you think? Do you think you could live here?"

Frank stands up, walking over to where Gerard is standing. He sets his hands on Gerard's hips.

"If you're with me, I could live anywhere."

Gerard smiles.

Home is where the heart is, they both decide. They've never had a home. Not until now. And Frank's right, as long as they're together, they could be anywhere. Here, back at the hospital, wherever.

Frank's never felt more at home.


End file.
